Inside Miss World 2009

So off I went to check out the Miss World 2009 pageant.

With all the drama surrounding this year’s competition, I had to definitely be there to witness it for myself.

The buzzword in 2009 was RECESSION. That of course applied to and affected those whose pockets were already damaged.

For the City of Johannesburg, that word had absolutely no merit nor did it retain any water, unlike Miss India’s thighs.

The City is reported to have spent over R90 million on this pageant filled with cult-worshipping Miss Indonesia, fire-eating and demon-possessed dancer Miss Sierra Leone and demented Miss India who apparently wanted the crown so badly that she physically hurt her own ankle so that she could gain judges’ favour.

Sitting there, all I wanted to do was whisper in her ear and say, “Sorry India, but your curry-eating, Tandori fat ass ain’t getting nowhere near that crown.”

I’m just at a loss for words to describe this year’s contestants. This was no pageant at all. It was a parade of the hoofed ones. It felt like I was watching a glamorous cattle parade in the rural Eastern Cape. In more ways than one, this was an injustice to Tatum Keshwar. Not only did they rob her of her crown, they also tagged her along with these other cows.

Come to think of unsavory sightings, social caterpillar Jennifer Su (can’t exactly call her a butterfly because butterflies are pretty) was in attendance wearing a rather dowdy number. I’ve seen obese teenagers look cuter in bikinis than what Jen Su had on. Makes me think of a Coco Chanel quote, “I don’t understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little – if only out of politeness.”

The thing about world events is that they become a kaleidoscopic array of various things. This event in particular was filled with an array of people who ranged from cheaters to dejected women to “man-eaters” and of course the skinny air-kissing, tuck-my-“ish” men of the other sexual persuasion, who were lusting after the “down low after 9ers” who frequent pageants, pretending to be looking at these contestants when we all know their roving eyes are indeed eyeing something else.

The breed of cheaters consisted of a local black billionaire (can’t name him because I won’t be able to afford the legal fees) who thought he had us all fooled by wearing a pure white jacket. Maybe we could’ve bought that “innocent and chaste” look he was trying to sell us, were it not for the shady sex-capades he’s conducting behind his beautiful wife’s back. She looked more stunning than I’ve ever seen her. I say she should be on the cover of those self-help books and show all dejected women that you don’t have to let yourself go to the dump because your husband decided to use his dip-stick elsewhere. You simply have to look even more fab than he’s ever seen you. SHAME on men who cheat.

The ever so beautiful Gerry Rantseli-Elsdon looked amazing in a belle-of-the-ball kind of gown. She should’ve been up on that stage, showing those girls how it’s done.

I won’t even get started on the Gang of Instrumentals. I think it’s high time that someone told that Tumi girl that Gibson Kente is no longer auditioning actresses for the part of Smomoza’s girlfriend, so she can stop smiling endlessly now. Have you noticed how she’s forever smiling with her full set of teeth out on display when they should actually be put on braces?

I also spotted the yummy Kwela Tebza boys who looked more dashing than ever. I overheard their publicist reprimanding them for only showing up during semi-finals. Now, that’s very naughty.

As for the actual show, all I can say is that I get more excitement from watching the paint dry than what I saw on Sat night. I mean honestly now! Umoja can only be a white man’s idea of what’s distinctly African. We’re tired of frolicking, drum-beating fat dancers now. Can we see something that’s African and fab? We say we live in a “world-class African city,” but is that all we can offer.

The whole thing was a bit of a snooze – how did it look from your couch, is what I want to know.

By Jozi Insider

Related Stories: