Khaya’s Guest Column!
December 10, 2009 by Khaya Dlanga
Guest Column: Khaya Dlanga
How I discovered the world’s greatest pick-up line
I can safely say I have discovered the greatest pick-up line in the world. Ok, maybe it’s not a pick-up line; it’s more like a pick-up paragraph. Unfortunately it won’t work in South Africa. Which kinda sucks. One place it’s sure not to work is the Eastern Cape. I will share my secret though because I am that kind of guy. I share.
A few years ago I went to France. It was the first time I’d ever walked on foreign soil. Let me rephrase that. It was the first time I’d ever walked on foreign concrete. The thing about going to a foreign country is that you never land on their soil, it’s their tarmac or concrete. The French were not as rude as some said they would be. I found them a lovely bunch. Another thing I discovered about the French is that they speak French. Anyway, moving right along.
While I was in Cannes I met a number of people from all over the world. Every now and then the ladies would ask where I was from. I suspect that had to do with the fact that I was one of a handful of melanin-advantaged people over there. I’d tell them South Africa of course. Then they’d want to know if I spoke a language other than English. “Xhosa,” I’d say.
“Oh my word! How do you say that? Khosa?” they’d ask giggling. “Can you say something to me in Khosa.” I’d correct them and teach them how to say Xhosa. Then I would oblige and tell them something in Xhosa. The attention was puzzling and, of course, welcome. My exceedingly good-looking colleague couldn’t understand. He, punk, is so good looking all he has to do is stand there and women throw themselves at him when we’re in South Africa. He looks Italian, I suppose that helps. My Xhosa proved to be kryptonite. Only in Europe though.
I would say the following to these lovely ladies: “Qaqambile lukuqale nini iqhakuva emqaleni? Gqhirha I qhakuva emqaleni lindi qale ngomgqibelo ndaqonda uba mandiqale kuwe kuqala.” (Qaqambile, when did you start noticing that you have a pimple on your neck? Doctor, I realised on Saturday and figured I ought to consult you first.) There would be much giggling and amusement from the ladies. Of course I wouldn’t tell them that was a Xhosa tongue twister. “Oh my word, that is the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard!” One of the ladies exclaimed, she was from Venezuela. I tested this theory on subjects from Sweden, Estonia (I don’t even know where that is) Russia, Italy, Brazil and other countries. They would bat their eyelids at me and I would say “not tonight dear, I have a headache”. And then I’d be off on my way.
One of the ladies said something I’ll never forget: “If you can do that with your tongue I bet you’d make a great boyfriend.” I spat out my drink from the shock. I miss be using that pick-up line.
Like I said, it won’t work in South Africa.
______________________________________________________
About Khaya:
“I am strange. But I am also normal. I like people. Whether they like me or not is another matter. I like to think about serious matters. But I also enjoy acting and thinking of foolish things with equal enthusiasm. I enjoy my own company as much as I enjoy being in the company of others. I love life. I think I’m shy but I’ve been told this is not true. But I still think so.”
Check out more of his work on:
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http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/khayadlanga
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Addis on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 12:21 am
hehe…I can’t stop picturing the whole thing in my head…hehehe… (My mind is pushing but I refuse to get political on this! )
GA on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 6:34 am
Before i start reading….im ssoooo excited about this…IM UR BIGGEST FAN KHAYA…now lemme calm down,im even embarrasing myself….deeep breath…..
GA on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 6:47 am
“Qaqambile lukuqale nini iqhakuva emqaleni? Gqhirha I qhakuva emqaleni lindi qale ngomgqibelo ndaqonda uba mandiqale kuwe kuqala..”….im pedi..so i had no idea what this meant, heard it the first time on some “crazy” youtube video challange tht proved to be suppper hillarious..
But ngempela it uhm…may not work work lapha emzanzi…..emphasis on may,coz i ddnt know what it was when i heard it…but ofcourse my fisrt instict about it would be..get redy to fight,he just sowre at you or something…heey
Lahvee on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 7:59 am
hehehe Khaya, lets take it one step further. So what if you ended up with one of the girls and she asked u to say that paragraph in the act…hhehehe, that wouldnt be sexy for you hey, saying “…iqhakuva emqaleni…”?? It wouldn’t be a “pick up” line anymore, it would be a “drop it” line…tl tl tl…
Great writing man.. felt like I was there watching you..hahaha!!
Rego on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 8:28 am
LOL, now that’s Khaya for you….. Trust me Khaya it can still work in SA, especially in Limpopo and NorthWest provinces
…(use it, dnt use it):-)
EthnoSoul on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 8:37 am
Do you think it could work on zambians?I for one cant even read that,so if you said it to me i would probably be swooning from here to Lusaka!!
Always a pleasure reading your work Bhuti Khaya,speaking of which Brown Shuga, dont you think a Bhuti Khaya corner would be nice on just curious?*just curious*
Makgotso on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 8:37 am
Nice read,lol @ the pick up line
Renegade on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 9:41 am
You had me at “Qaqambile”…lol
Cheesa on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 11:18 am
Nice read Khaya but you’re right that pick up paragraph wouldn’t work with us especially thina maXhosa. We would be like “yinto ngoku sana ngaye ubhuti wakho heee yehake”…lol
Khaya on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 11:56 am
Cheesa, you’re right. Ndinga phoxwa kak’hle.
tee on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 1:30 pm
lol..i love u bhut khaya!
Ziyanda on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 2:57 pm
Thank God am Xhosa,and if ani1 wuld use that pick-up paragraph 2 me, ndingamxelela ukuba andiyo Gentle magic yamaqhakuva akhe.
Busi on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 3:36 pm
hehehehe- I’m Xhosa but still cracked myself at that tongue twister..laughing at the mental image of the European women batting their eyelashes at you oohing & ahhing. lol! U shud have atleast taken one back to the hotel..why didint you, Khaya? krkrkrk
Brown Shuga on Thu, 10th Dec 2009 5:25 pm
Busi, he’s scared of chicks shem!
Mii on Fri, 11th Dec 2009 10:59 am
Hehehehhehe yhu Ziyanda andayihleka uthi ungathi awuyo gentle magic? hayi uyaphoxa shame thyini……good one Khaya!
mamakasisipho on Mon, 14th Dec 2009 12:18 pm
i lov reading izinto zalo mfana uyahlekisa man, etsho mgoba sis’qingatha apha
Maisse on Mon, 21st Dec 2009 8:28 pm
any changes coming ?
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