Jozi Insider Gatecrashes The SAMAs
JI On The SAMAs:
So Bonang was the best dressed (both dresses by Gert), everyone else looked normal… but Thandiswa Mazwai and Camagwini successfully established that they are far removed from any human species (including predecessors thereof) –
perhaps they thought that the event was to honour the success of District Nine.
I was mildly entertained by the actual event – had it not been for the flask (thanks Uncle Jack D, you’re always so good to me) and 500ml coke I smuggled in, I would’ve slept! However, I will say that Rustenburg/Durban people are the most entertaining! The paid-to-get-in crowd (seated at the balcony – trust me, not fancy!) had a good jam. While your screens played strange adverts, the hall was buzzing with music and balcony seated people wiggled their money’s worth away. SEE how bored I was, fell asleep writing this intro, eish!
So the snooze ended with me dronk and a “surprise” performance that left even the performers surprised that the crowd was exiting; we don’t know you people! Obviously I was at the door (on my way out) when they started performing, knowing very well that time wasted getting out would lead to me queuing for years to get a hold of the open bar stock – okay enough about me! Back to your favourite people!
Shwashwi’s best dressed (obviously questionable to JI) for next week Sunday’s read; Uyanda Mbuli, came out with her husband (what happened to the story she leaked that they were getting divorced?) and they make a lovely couple! BUT THE HAIR?? She took it too far when she requested a Rihanna-gone-flat-broke hairdo! It had curls, plaits and hanging pieces (have you puked yet?)– did someone say Chinese Crested Hairless Puppy? – She really needs to explain what went wrong…
Still on Uyanda – saw it with my own eyes: she is NOT on speaking terms with Gert and Bonang. Her hanging pieces almost fell off when she quickly turned to look the other way when Bonang was approaching (not her, but just passing) AND she did the same when Gert later passed her. She should be very careful; she’ll give herself a whiplash next time! And we’ve all seen what DFC looks like without Gert… it has really become Diamante Face Couture! Don’t you guys miss the Cavalli-wearing Uyanda? Missed her big kiss-and-make-up with Mika Stefano, but according to twitter the two have resolved their issues and hugs and fluids were exchanged.
Jen Su—yes the social caterpillar—also made an appearance, with another hat (this time, a top hat on a micro scale) and an old geyser who happens to be her husband. Retirement Villages are getting empty – oldies are reliving their youth with these young ones. Before you start thinking Khanyi Mbau-Mthembu-Crous-Who’sNext, Jen worked her way up; pop albums out somewhere in the East and many other equally funny titles under her name.
Urg, what happened to KB’s boobs? Didn’t she go for a breast reduction? They seemed a bit… enormous and sagging! They seemed to be engaging her navel on some conversation given their close proximity. Or was she not wearing a bra? I’m really curious about this…
Is Cassandra Sdudla-za, oops I mean Gudlhuza pregnant for real? Gosh, I feel a bit queasy at the thought of that. WOW! Okay. I did not see her; was she there? But I saw soon-to-be daddy roaming solo looking for… eish you guys, I can’t! Let me rather let you in on another scoop that’s yet to be confirmed: did Uyanda really pay Cassandra to be nice to her, i.e. not to give her bad publicity? We all know they are not on speaking terms so I just want to find out how much she got paid (benchmarking, should I get an offer like that). Well, judging by the way Shwashwi goes on about her, we can’t ignore this.
How unsavoury was my new favourite girl-in-prayer, yes I’m talking about ThePhyOne? I am not talking about her RJKay outfit which left her mildly frustrated as she had to carry the trail or something the whole evening but, her “where’s JubJub now?” comment! What was she thinking (back to the outfit now…)? BTW Miss P, that dress closely resembles the same one you wore last year. #justsaying.
To more palatable moments: I saw the yummy Foundry advert guy, Stevel Marc! He was with some guy I did not recognize and he gave the gays some much needed attention. Is he really going out with the Joelle “Abort a baby” from the Sprite adverts or are they really just friends? Models…
Speaking of gays, I also saw 2 of 3sum members (Koyo and Amstel) – what happened to creepy-looking Jeff? These boys have lost their entire luster! They looked dull! I swear I would’ve had more fun carrying Penny’s trail than to engage them beyond a hello-wave!
The afterparty (the Heineken one at least) was such a bore! Booze ran out when I was on my second one (ie. The first 30 minutes of getting there). 30 minutes, not joking! Thank goodness the SABC 1 lounge organizers were a little more organized than the mess seen at the Heineken function. Partied there till I got bored of smiling and started looking for the fly that was sitting on my shoulder. I missed her; I even gave her a name.
Okay; so the real partying took place at a hotel room where Big Nuz, Durban crews and, obviously, chicks seeking d*cks (there is no other way of being polite about this – sorry guys) had a ball. With booze and floozies around – I’m sure I do not need to say what else happened… Good thing I gave that one a miss! But those who were there, if they weren’t arrested, lived to tell quite a tale!
I later saw my husband-in-queue (should Andile Ncube’s uncles not accept my two cows for his lobola) Stoan! Ooh! He looked ripe and ready to be devoured! Except for the straatmeisie – for my foreign followers, that would be a cheap-weaved girl with minimal clothing and ready for ploughing – he had around him (I saw you walking around the Sun City Hotel lobby… he was headed towards the bar for you with wild imaginations, the man is happily married!). She was later seen with some DJ (who would sue me if I mentioned his name) in the same hotel lobby almost ten minutes after Stoan walked in.
We’ll pretend she’s friends with everybody and avoid a lawsuit!
NOTE TO CELEBS: Pls start misbehaving publicly, I’m getting tired of you hiding things from me. Live a little! Get reckless, do foolish things. I NEED material.
By Jozi Insider ©