JI At Viera’s ZAR Bash
June 27, 2010 by Jozi Insider
My dear friends, this is a quick note as I am in a rush; between entertaining Ghanaians, Brits and Latinos – and trying to avoid “sms Diski” adverts (what the hell was she thinking?), I barely have time to go for pedicures, never-mind writing. I miss you guys though – have ya’ll been good? I haven’t! But this is not about me…
Okay, I did say this was a short one:
Garnier had a launch to show their new “face of” – I was too busy finishing off a Ghanaian delicacy (don’t judge me! Launches come and go – I had to make sure the Ghanaian came so I can go) so I did not make it, Thanks for the invite though, just make sure it does not coincide with South Africa hosting the world cup next time, okay? – congratulations to the humble and boring Zizo. You’re beautiful, but dull!
The ducking and diving from Slovenians, Germans and Mexicans saw me craving more memorable moments and that’s how I landed up at ZAR bar, in the new Radisson Hotel in Sandton, for some Soccer legend’s (aren’t they all?), Patrick Viera’s birthday and to celebrate something about soccer and education: perhaps this is what we really need – our players are not exactly the smartest crayons in the box.
Foreign Soccer players galore? I knew for sure I was going to see Ms Brown Shuga’s gal-pal Babalwa Mneno and I was not in the least bit disappointed! She has exactly 32 teeth! That’s how wide and how long she had a grin for – should you need me to map out her dental formula as well – do not hesitate as the image is still vivid. When she was not busy tending to broke-looking local fellows, she was seated in a corner of shady-looking foreign men (please note that there was more than one!) who kept bubbly flowing. I get her strategy: go for the hideous ones while the masses flock for the Thierry Henry’s of this world (and bathe Giligide Pantse because Henry’s caliber tends to be more rigid than… anyway)
My gag-reflexes started acting up when I saw Khanyi Mbau’s coat… it looked like a sheep that crawled in clay and got trapped in a cross-hailstorm (all at the same time!) – I had to take my drink elsewhere before I presented the lovely dinner-for-1 on the venue floor! Before I could though – I spotted the girl she took to the 2009 Selimathunzi end-of-year party, yes… the midriff-showing, pole-seeking hanger, looking up-to-date with fashion… well, as good as iqaba can (you know how when Nomasonto comes to Joburg and discovers wigs, men, alcohol and Marabastad clothes flea-markets – that’s the hanger for you!).
Jeanie D also made a rare social appearance. She wore what I can only imagine to be the offspring of Zakumi and Barney (ie a colourful tent) with fabulous gladiators. She disappeared into the corner that housed the real soccer champions.
The beautiful Kaizer Motaung decided he’ll also make a mysterious appearance after his disappearing act… wonder where he was. Perhaps I should ask publicist Vista Kalipa after I caught a glimpse of them corridor chatting… what were they talking about that could not be seen or eavesdropped by the rest of the party goers? Let’s not forget that Vista is a glorified member of the rainbow flag (that’s gay for those not in tune with euphemism) – if not the president.
Another “soccer legend” I spotted was Lucas Radebe; looking sexier than ever but still wearing his ridiculous trucker cap! When will he grow up and start looking the part of a man of substance? I was annoyed actually!
On the other end of my annoyance, I am glad David Kau got a new cap! Gucci can finally rest *shayani zandla tu?* Another funnyman who I spotted was Trevor Noah – YUM! – and I am just waiting for him to let a scandal rip… I can feel it coming (even if it’s sleeping with me… I guess that’s when I will let the world know who JI is! That’s worth bragging about!)
Did I mention I also bumped into abo-Gogo: Sophie Ndaba and Kuli Roberts? (PS. Sophie chills with Khanyi and gay faction… who would’ve guessed? When’s she ever going to grow up?). You do not see Connie Ferguson (who looks amazing!) and Sonia Sedibe booty-hopping with hanging-wristed men a third of your ages. Gugane togo! It’s our time now. But I will say this: no one parties like Kuli!
Speaking of Sonia, she also made an appearance with her “how-did-you-get-that-job?” husband – they left very early – to perhaps tend to their children? – why can’t Sophie learn? PS Sophie> I am watching you and Kenny!
The Kwela Tebza brothers were also there. It dawned on me that they are famous for pennywhistling. They must be the most intelligent people I know to date. Imagine if you were famous because you drive a Fiat Uno or Tata Indica? That’s exactly what pennywhistling is, the Uno of talents and they made a career of it? I’m taking notes! There are millions to be made from scams I see (okay, not millions in their case). But I will give them a hand for being great entertainers – now please make an x-rated home video, for my amusement… this is the only reason we still regard you as celebs, because you’re three hot brothers (two actually) – so make it worth our while please!
Also present was Sonia Motaung (the woman who set the standards for gossip columns, she did the first round of Shwashwi). She looked very decent! Danced, mingled and had access to corners general VIPs didn’t… what’s your secret? (other than the dodgy ANC party tricks you pull? Yes, I heard!)
The super VVIP corner of the pimp-like venue (seriously! It looks like a place where hookers would do very well) where the international MARRIED soccer players were sitting was guarded so well! I can only imagine what was going on in there although a glimpse revealed that there were plenty of the weaved girls (the new Babalwa’s?) in the dark corner… WAGs sana: Wives, Amakwapheni & Girlfriends!
Thanks for the invite guys! It was an eye opener to the “soccerboots-diggers” (broke or not, girls are after them). And the Rosè Champers was lovely, thank you! Got skunk-drunk! PS> are you guys REALLY excons? It’s just that I need to install a car-tracker for your next event – just now your old friends from the Inn decide to relive their heydays at my expense!
By Jozi Insider ©
Note: For “obvious” reasons, Jozi Insider cannot carry a camera!
soul sista on Sun, 27th Jun 2010 11:53 pm
Yippeeee….!
Now let me read before the comments are closed
soul sista on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 12:06 am
LOL @“how-did-you-get-that-job?” husband
But JI whoever tamed you needs to be shot.
Cheesa on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 1:06 am
I laughed reading this as usual. I hear what you’re saying about Sophie Ndaba and I saw her picture at this party in SundaySun (first time I bought it I was really bored seeing that the latest issue of Drum is boring) sitting with Linda Moeketsi (who’s slowly becoming famous) nabo Khanyi Mbau and friend. LOL at Sonia’s how-did-you-get-that-job-husband, you cant help but wonder really. But I like the Sedibes they make a nice couple.
SilentBloggar on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 1:14 am
Welcome back JI,this world cup brought the who’s who’s of everything to SA.
Is Babs Mneno still hustling for an international gig? I thought she had found peace and settled on selling Brazilian hair.
Will have to read again but lol at WAGS – Wives Amakhwapheni Girlfriends.
BeeKay_Cooper on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 1:26 am
ROFLMAO !!!
I “hear” you there JI with the pennywhistles lol …
Its all nothing but the truth . . . Great article! *wink*
Q-tee on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 1:44 am
JI u r the future!! Your narration beats any article with pictures. we understand.
“You do not see Connie Ferguson (who looks amazing!) and Sonia Sedibe” But JI that’s an unfair comparison these two are married and Sophie is a single lady.
Lue on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 5:43 am
Kwaaaaa JI
nan on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 8:58 am
Lastborn on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 9:11 am
Nice one JI!!
Dladla on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 9:37 am
Fabbbbulous!!!! Jozi Insider isss baaaaack! Hoorray!
“(The Kwela Tebza) must be the most intelligent people I know to date. Imagine if you were famous because you drive a Fiat Uno or Tata Indica? That’s exactly what pennywhistling is,”
GPY… Hahahahahha
Welcome back JI.
Lady gaga on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 9:39 am
Halala JI, im loving this!!!
cijimpi on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 10:26 am
kwakwakwakwa >> That’s exactly what pennywhistling is, the Uno of talents and they made a career of it? brilliant
Sweet-Ash on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 10:38 am
Hahahahahahaha @ I had to take my drink elsewhere before I presented the lovely dinner-for-1 on the venue floor!…. Oh man JI, my imagination of this is killing me.
Bee on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 2:37 pm
kwakwakwa@Did I mention I also bumped into abo-Gogo: Sophie Ndaba and Kuli Roberts? Hayi no….
Kiki on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 3:09 pm
JI wena uyibhoza shem…………….kwaaaaaaa. Let me continue reading.
Enkosi on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 3:20 pm
JI the future is you!
Majobe on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 4:14 pm
JR…U rock!
UKhanyi Mbau mubi shame
Majobe on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 4:16 pm
Majobe is Fezzy btw..unfortunately my username canbnot be changed. Maybe this registration thing was not a good idea.
Twinkyyy on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 4:22 pm
*DEAD* Duuude.
FunkyFK on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 4:22 pm
Hau Majobe – kanti what happened? This JC registration is so much like Home Affairs – you get there and you are already married without knowing. it is going to be difficult to adjust to Majobe – not bad though.
soul sista on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 4:49 pm
Fezzy check your email please..
Kwaaaaa @Funky
Twinkyyy on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 4:51 pm
Majobe?? hahaha. Indinxaphise this reg thing…and this gravatar hayi i give up on it…
Lela on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 7:31 pm
Lol @the uno career
Q-tee on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 8:49 pm
Hhayi ngeke we are already feeling the impact of registration process, only 23 comments on JI’s article, ok but anyway its for a good course, finally we can throw away the juvie bin.
FunkyFK on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 8:55 pm
Quality vs Quantity
mmmmhhhhh – lemme think. Nay, I will take Quality any day. Tjo, this regitration icost’e abaningi man – Not complaining though.
Q-tee on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 8:58 pm
Off topic: Is that Khabonina on the Video of the day?? with all due respect, I think she must stick to dancing.
lulu_za on Mon, 28th Jun 2010 9:40 pm
Beautiful journalism right there, well written and very imaginative, I don’t know buy this style of writing is so Gesh Conco….watching you JI! i just want to know did Abedi Pele acknowledge Babalwa Babalwa, he’s somebody else’s man now *WINK WINK*
LeeM on Tue, 29th Jun 2010 10:02 am
kwakwakwa JI you made my week!!!
Buhlebonga on Tue, 29th Jun 2010 10:38 am
Lol JI! Welcome back. We have missed you…
Is Babalwa Mneno still worth tabloid fodder? i still think she’s irelevant…
Anyway Sophie is trying to look younger. Shame. Why not hang out with more dignified ladies like carol Bouwer, Bassie, peggy Sue and others???
Lol at Khanyi Mbau’s coat and the qabelina harajuku girl… When will she stop hanging out with ugly girls with no taste so she can feel better about herself?
Enkosi on Tue, 29th Jun 2010 12:17 pm
I keep coming back for more laughs, great job JI.
Buhlebonga…I wouldn’t count Carol Bouwer on the dignified list, there’s no dignity in being fake.
Nogs on Tue, 29th Jun 2010 3:46 pm
Laugh out Loud at Carol Bouwer..very fake for my liking. I am sure Sophie find them boring to hang out with. I also like Connie Ferguson..very dignified and she doesn’t like attention.
J-Girl on Thu, 1st Jul 2010 9:17 am
hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! JI you are on another level…