Ask Mablerh #4

January 12, 2011 by  

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Letters to JC’s Agony Uncle:

Dear Mablerh

I have a 4 year old son and he uses his father’s surname. They paid the damage and I also didn’t want him to use the same surname I’m using as it not my (father’s) surname.

I broke up with his dad in 2008 and now I’m in a relationship. If I happen to get married, which surname must my son use if my current bf pays lobola for him?

His father’s side of the family take good care of him, they provide in every way for him. Am really confused cause my man wants him to take his surname as well if we get married.

I’m Zulu, my man is Pedi and my baby daddy is Xhosa.

Stroh.

____________________________

MABLERH:

Hi Stroh

You seem to have a very complicated issue on your hands.

I must start by saying that I respect the man that you are with for accepting you and all you come with. Men like that are rare and precious. It is even admirable that he wants your son to take his surname.

I am no cultural expert but I think I can help as I have witnessed something similar in my family. The decision to change your sons surname to your fiancé’s surname is not yours. It is the decision that your son will make when he is old enough. Especially in this case where his biological father wants to be in his life and ensures that he provides for him. If you change your son’s surname, you will be hurting a man who clearly loves his child in order to bring happiness to a man who has no claim to your son except for the fact that he loves you. I hope this helps.

By Mablerh ©

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Comments

52 Comments on "Ask Mablerh #4"

  1. Makgotso on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 9:50 am 

    But culturally Mablerh if a man has paid lobola for you he also pay some dowry for the child to his surname how about that? Anyway mina personally I would have loved to use my biological father’s surname as long as my new family won’t treat me as an outcast.

  2. Lady Guava on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 10:13 am 

    Hei Mathata! The boy’s biological dad is still taking care of him, so he should remein with that surname. I’m sure the new man will understand this. I mena what will happen if he adopts the new guy’s surname and they later divorce? If the biological father/his family were not contributing to the child’s wellbeing then it would be a different matter.

    You could always consult “the elders” in your family, and even consult with the biological dad and his family, seeing that it takes a village to raise a child.

  3. MaBlerh on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 10:19 am 

    Yes, Lady Guava, it is to avoid all that drama as well. Really, what happens if they divorce? Now the kid has to be dragged to home affairs to reverse the whole thing?

  4. faith on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 10:21 am 

    If they fiance pays lobola for your child as well, then the child is his which means even his surname will change once you guys get married, but the daddys childs family need to be consulted about the matter. For example if you watch isidingo the whole thing with Vusi paying lobola for Lettis son and then him becoming the childs father and the child therefor taking his surname. But you need to talk to your ex’s family first before anything else.

  5. mama ka Gundi on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 10:25 am 

    Morning!! Tjo Zulu +Pedi+Xhosa=south african citizen

    Stroh u need to carefully consider the repacations of the decision that u take, My 2cents ” if baby daddy & family r loving & supporting towards their child in all possible ways then dont dare break that bond watsoever!!

    Yes culturally when lobola is paid some man or family include paying for the child in most cases it is when baby daddy has hit the highway but if umntwana wahlawulwa then akisingoweni wena & Mr Pedi!!

    As much as Mr Pedi might want babyboy 2have his surname, trust me things will be different once u bear him his own son( ofcourse masenishadile) Amasiko are very important uzosanganisa ingane especially umntwana womfana okhule ngamasiko wakubo “zulu” then u suddenly change to Pedi !!

  6. Polly on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 10:26 am 

    I totally agree with Lady Guava & Mablerh.

    Faith…Did Neo use his father’s surname or did he use Matabane?

  7. Polly on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 10:28 am 

    Very true Mama ka G

  8. Thiwe on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 10:46 am 

    as far as i know, it is advised culturally for any child to use the father’s surname. reason being, the child’s ancestors will cause problems sometime in his life if they’re not introuced to the child properly. and that introduction will be how the ancestors will identify the child. good or useless father, ancestors dont give a cahoots and that’s that. they will guide and protect that child his whole life. we cant ignore our traditions. period.

  9. Lustagp on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 10:59 am 

    and what happens when you divorce with the new man? Hayibo sisi dont change your sons surname, that boy knows his identity and he must remain as that and if your new man really is a traditional man he must know that the boy should keep his father’s name no matter what the situation expect ke he is a billionare he wants to leave his trust funds with him when he dies. Dont confuse him as he will resent you for that when grows up, wait until he is older thsi is not about your fiance tu.

  10. Tweets that mention Ask Mablerh #4 | Just Curious -- Topsy.com on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 11:00 am 

    [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by LeloB™. LeloB™ said: RT @JustCuriousZA: Dear @MaBlerh: Which Surname Should My Son Take http://bit.ly/dJs8L5 [...]

  11. mama ka Gundi on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 11:22 am 

    expect ke he is a billionare he wants to leave his trust funds with him when he dies. *gpy* tl tl tlt tl
    @Lusta u just reminded me of what my babydaddy said a while back!
    My BF wanted to put Gundi kwi medical aid yakhe as mine is to pricy when baby daddy found out he said
    “tell me kanti y le boyfriend nyana yakho izifosta in my daughters life uzenza ngathi uyamthanda umntana wam y?? okakwazi yini ukuzenzela owakhe” gpy!!

  12. Brown Shuga on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 11:43 am 

    Hayi…the new father must chill and not try enforce the matter. If the kid’s dad is still alive, paid damages and still taking care of his child, I don’t see any reason why he’d agree for his own child to take another man’s surname.

    It all needs to be handled with sensitivity and calm though. All the best Stroh.

  13. MAESESLA on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 12:07 pm 

    ai Mablerh mabra that is the best advice you have given the Distraught lady. I couldn’t have thought of the best advise myself. Noah, Abraham and Solomon must be very proud of you…that is wisdom right there… the child is being torn into two pieces. U r right he will decide wheen he is loder…but then again we must nt 4get that names nd surnames may anger ancestorsand might cause the child 2 get sick.

  14. lwandie on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 12:08 pm 

    Good advice Mablerh.There is no need to change a child’s heritage no matter how well meaning the new fellow is.

    While it is a beautiful love that the Pedi gentleman is offering this lady and her child its also important to be mindful that love is such a fickle thing and certain things promised while you are still boyfriend and girlfriend don’t always translate in marriage.

    As a single parent your first responsibility is to your child and decisions need to be made with a very sobber mind.

  15. Lela on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 12:10 pm 

    My bf also suggested the same thing that when we get married my child should take his name bcz he wouldnt want to have kids in the same house with different surnames. Much as I understand this point I’d rather have her use her dad’s name cz currently she is using mine. I think its time ppl understood that loving my child as ur own doesnt mean she is urs nor was I looking for a father when I met u. I prayed very hard for my child’s father to resurface from wherever he was hidin cz I didnt want my daughter to grow up without her dad n by God’s grace he did n supports the child in every way. Its like this friend of mine who has a problem when I tell people that boyfriend is not my daghter’s dad,she says there is no need bcz he treats her as her own n i tell her there’s no need for me not to cz my child has n knows her dad and I wouldnt feel good allowing ubhanxwa ngabangane bakhe who always tell me umtana ufana nobaba wakhe n my initial reaction is always where do u know her dad from n that’s what my friend has a problem with.

  16. Makgotso on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 12:13 pm 

    Wow impressive and soundful advices………*clap,clap*

  17. Lustagp on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 12:13 pm 

    Well said Lela…..!

  18. Lady Guava on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 12:32 pm 

    Thiwe le MaeSeSla, I wonder what happens to all those young men and women conceived from Rape, do they also become “sick” later in life because they were not introduced to the paternal anscestors?

  19. mama ka Gundi on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 12:33 pm 

    @lela abantu bayathanda ukufanisa,, nami i always lol when some friends Gudni ufana ne BF yam hebana even some of my family relatives have confirmed that Gundi is his child hebana abantu namanga!!

    “urs nor was I looking for a father when I met u” wise words Ms Lela!!

  20. MAESESLA on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 12:43 pm 

    @Lady Guava. Ancestors are very smart k ho botse… rather they will bother the rapist. i zinto zakhe angeke zimu lungele ngoba ku khoyo a ku shiye emva kaloku… he will go to traditional hearlers and they’ll tell him that.

  21. Lady gaga on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 1:06 pm 

    Strolicious ke wena o???

  22. Fezzy on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 1:54 pm 

    Hayi Blessing wena where do u get all these answers? You are the future!

  23. Maratahelele on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 2:01 pm 

    Here is my 2cents worth,change the surname to your new man.Ka sesotho we say,a man marries “Kgomo le namane tsa tsona”.If you choose not to change the surname,your current man has a right to tell you that he doesnt want the baby(serathana in sotho) in his house,many will start to cry foul.

    For the respect of your new man,you gotta take a decision to leave your child with his real fathers family(he can visit you) or change your baby’s surname if you want to go with him/her to your new family.

    Those who are saying divorce,nobody marries to get divorced.If it happens,your child will continue with the surname as in normal cases,kids continue with the father’s surname…

  24. Cinnabon on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 2:05 pm 

    Molweni zidwesha…the JC family is the best…Great Advice!!!

  25. posh on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 2:12 pm 

    “For the respect of your new man,you gotta take a decision to leave your child with his real fathers family(he can visit you”

    eish I thought about this but the child would feel the mother chose marriage over him. and the mother wont be happy she gave up her son because of the surname issue

    it’s a tough one, but I think Mablerh’s view and other bloggers kinda make sense…

  26. Glendoza on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 2:25 pm 

    hi guys,

    this is what I would tell the lady to do,, Surname means nothing as long as the child knows her real partenal family..

    I grew up in situation like this, but mine was a bit different koz my dad died two weeks before I was born.

    when my mom re-married I continued using her surname,(which I still do this day) but my partenal family have always been part of my life( both Re: step dad and my real dad)

    so never had a problem with amasiko and all… my step dad is Tswana and my dad is Venda…so nne ndi muvenda even though at home they speak tswana…

    just my two cents worth..

  27. MissAN on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 2:30 pm 

    Amadlozi azakwata!! Lol…I think the child should keep his biological father’s surname or have a double barrel like Sello Maake ka Ncube…

  28. coca-cola on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 2:59 pm 

    good avice maBlerh

  29. Lela on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 3:04 pm 

    So ke guys you dont think it will affect the child somehow when she is the only one with a different surname when all other kids have one surname.

  30. Cinnabon on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 3:21 pm 

    @Lela…I don’t think having a different surname to the other kids will affect the child much because he knows his biological father…so he’ll understand that with the different fathers come different surnames.

  31. lwandie on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 3:25 pm 

    Haa mhlawumbe I’m just culturally defunct.I don’t quite see why this has to be complicated by asking a mother to chose between a marriage and her child over just a surname.This is a man who is fully aware that he is dating a single mother and the love between them should not suddenly be conditional to fully adopting her child or not.

    @ Lela I think a 4 year old who is in touch with their paternal family is very clear about who their father is and whether or not he will intergrate well with any future children they may have will depend largely on the principles the parents instill in them and not his different surname…that’s the way I see it anyway

  32. Q-tee on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 3:40 pm 

    My friend is a 33 yr old woman and she is fighting with her mother because she married with her and gave her the husband’s surname and now she doesn’t know who her father is and the mother won’t tell, and she’s looking for her real family now. I think this is a Pedi nation thing, because in Zulu we don’t do that, in fact if a woman gets married the child usually remains with the grandparents, and the lobola is reduced because the first father paid inhlawulo.
    Honestly, I know its culture, but as much as we respect cultural practises, let us not create a generation with an identity crisis.
    Personally I wouldn’t change my son’t surname, no matter how the new man loves him.

  33. Silvio on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 3:45 pm 

    if the new father asks the old father and they agree then fine the can change the name but the new father should not force matters bcoz this child is been taken care of and besides he went into the realtionship with Stroh knowing very well she has a child from a Xhosa man. LOL

  34. SilentBloggar on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 4:04 pm 

    Oh what good advice given by Mablerh and bloggers to Stroh. Nami I think the boy must keep his original daddy’s surname especially because he has a good relationship with his father. I also think when he grows older he might decide to go stay with his biological father. Most bloggers seem to agree: DO NOT CHANGE THE SURNAME.

  35. Thiwe on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 4:30 pm 

    @ Lady G: who says they’re not introduced to their paternal families?

    again, it doesnt matter whether pap ngwana is a sweety or an idiot; the child’s identity will remain the same. your ancestors will never change just coz papa hao was a rapist. at the end of the day, you’re one of them and they will want to be a part of your life at some point, coz they did nothing wrong to you and their blood runs in your veins.

    @Surname means nothing as long as the child knows her real partenal family…you dont actually believe that, do you?

  36. Thato on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 4:44 pm 

    Stroh i will also suggest the boy keep his father’s surname. Make a son for you new boyfriend and then he can have his surname.. I dont see baby daddy agreeing to his son’s surname being changed especially if they have paid damages/lobola for the son.

  37. Lehakoe on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 5:07 pm 

    Hayi this is all so difficult but I generally agree with everyone when saying that if the child has a relationship with his paternal family then it should stay that way. Don’t change the child’s surname.

    All situations are different but if I were to have a child with one man and marry another then all my children would have MY surname.

    I know we Africans tend to over-emphasize on these things but don’t let it be such a headache that your confusion trickles down to the child. How’s he ever supposed to learn how to write his name. As for the different surnames in one household-oh well, this is the 21st century after all. What matters most is that he has the unconditional love of his mother and knows that she will always be there for him regardless.

  38. Bee on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 5:15 pm 

    hayi this is confusing me shame.

  39. hlobi on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 6:14 pm 

    I agree with u Mablerh. If she changes the boy’s surname to the fiance’s the child will probably change it back in future. The fiancee must only pay lobola for her and not for the boy as the boy has been rightfully acknowledged by the father. So why make a simple situation complicated. I would not want to be given the wrong surname simply so that it would make another person happy at my expense. What about my true identity? If it aint broke, don’t fix it.

  40. Nthoentle on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 7:55 pm 

    Leave the surname as it is. Mr Pedi a dire bana ba gage abafe sefane sa gage. Esp cos Mr Xhosa is taking care of his boy. Leave it as is and tell Mr Pedi so he understands.

  41. Sam on Wed, 12th Jan 2011 10:48 pm 

    It is sad that people breakup after there is a child in the picture…. It complicates things for everyone involved thereafter, but more especially for the child. So the best to do in this case, i think, is to not change the childs surname. By the way, HELLO to everyone. Im new:-)….. have been a silent blogger for sometime now and i must say JC is the BEST Entertainment Blog and im hooked!

  42. Brown Shuga on Thu, 13th Jan 2011 1:15 am 

    Hey Sam :-)

  43. J-Girl on Thu, 13th Jan 2011 7:38 am 

    hey this matter is very close to my heart. My mom fell pregnant with me before she got married and i obv used her surname and when iwas in std 1 she got married and she changed my surname. My stepdad was a wonderful ok (may his soul rip) but when i was in matric i found out he was not my biological dad, but in all honesties all sorts of questions and all sorts of things confused me but that is a story for another day. I still use my stepfather’s surname even though i would love to simply use my mother’s surname. I call myself by my mother’s clan name, because all my traditional works i do at my mothers because my stepfather’s ancestors don’t know my ‘existence’ as i am not their blood. I have a daughter out of a wedlock. She uses my stepfather’s surname as well but because i want her to grow up with christian values i won’t confuse her with any traditional introductions or exercises, because i am at a cross road myself with my own belonging. In conclusion my point is, if your son already has an established relationship with his ‘real’ family do not confuse it, when your son is old enough rather explain the differences in the surnames, it will make things easier in the end plus if a child has to change surnames make thei choice!!

  44. Thiwe on Thu, 13th Jan 2011 9:01 am 

    @ J Girl: thanks for sharing your story. as much as we’ve shared our views, i really think yours has to be the best so far as you’ve experienced this with your mom and now your daughter. and therefore know exactly what can happen at some point when decisions are made as they impact our lives at some stage.

  45. manny on Thu, 13th Jan 2011 11:17 am 

    this is one is tricky mara ..@stroh…my advice is you can get your son two surnames but first you will need to consult with his biological father ..its all up to him if he allows your son to get the second surname as he has paid for the kid…i have a guy freind who has a double-barrel surname coz of the same story ..mother got married twice and both the fathers take good care of him so if A is cool with the kid getting B’S surname let it be…

  46. arthurcharlesvanwyk on Thu, 13th Jan 2011 1:54 pm 

    MaBlerr.. For someone who’s never going to impregnate someone, I have to say you are so on the money in regards to what a father would want..

    Or is there something you wanna tell us?

  47. soul sista on Thu, 13th Jan 2011 3:07 pm 

    I just love JC!!

  48. Thapelo_M on Thu, 13th Jan 2011 9:47 pm 

    Well! ‘Culturally’ when a guy pays/has paid damages… He gets the privilege of changing the kid’s surname to his… And when the mother decides to get married to another man, the biological father has a right to take the kid! That’s just how it is.

  49. Fab Tee on Sat, 15th Jan 2011 10:48 pm 

    Its sad that things dnt always work out with babydaddies and we find ourselves in these kind of situations,i’ll one day find myself having to make this kind of decision as im also a single mom,but i dnt think i’d ever change my son’s surname to a new ‘dad’s’ no matter how much of a deadbeat his real dad is coz ekugqibeleni umntanam akasoze ade abengowapha no matter how much he loves him,andifun ukucaphukisa amadlozi!lol

  50. Fab Tee on Sat, 15th Jan 2011 10:55 pm 

    in my family i also have a cousin who’s mom(my aunt)got married when he was abt 8,he kept his moms surname,and his mom went on to hav other kids in the new marriage and i dnt think he was affected by having a different surname frm the others as he knew tht was not his biology father even though he loves,respects and regards him as his dad…so ja i guess i agree with dnt change ur child’s surname!

  51. Fab Tee on Sat, 15th Jan 2011 10:58 pm 

    meant biological father!

  52. QueenPee on Sat, 15th Jan 2011 11:18 pm 

    I juts love JC!! I’ve been a silent blogger and this particular site just keeps me entertained and uptodate. I’ve come to know a few names Brown Sugar, MaBlerh, Kiki, Miss Ann, Thiwe, lady Gaga trust me the list is endless but I enjoy reading all the posts… So Hello to all JC memmbers :-)

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