Yi lama Vat En Sit

February 14, 2011 by  

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Cohabiting… a practice once frowned upon in our community. These days though, ingathi it’s the most natural thing for couples to do. Different people do it for different reasons & yes I haven’t had  the most normal dating life but I just can’t think of any reason why I would want to shack up with a man. Maybe I’m still old fashioned in my thinking, and I say this with no judgment to those who do it, but why  would I move in with him, do all those things a wife does and still expect him to marry me?


This is not a new discussion, it’s been discussed over and over and that’s why I am especially interested to hear from men who have lived with women and then got married, like, what made you decide that it was now important to get that piece of paper that certifies you husband and wife?

This thought was sparked by a comment made by Clint Brink in his interview with Kiki. Here is what he said about cohabiting:

“I feel that’s the ONLY way one can find out or really decide if they want to spend the rest of their lives with that particular person. When you live with someone that’s when you really get to know them. Marriage is no joke and this is what I am going to teach my kids as well. If they want to get married they should know that person first, I’d even suggest that they live with their partners for about 6 months before saying ‘I DO‘. It’s a big and important decision. We need to be careful when making decisions like these because you might even make a wrong one and end up having a kid. Now you are going to responsible for another young life that is going to feel lost because you were lost.”

Hayi… he makes a lot of sense about getting to know a person but I believe you can still do this without fully moving in. I mean, you can visit your partner for a weekend, go away with them for however long and during those times you can get to know how they are ekhaya and whether you want to spend the rest of your life with them. This whole “test drive” thing, I don’t get it.  Also, how would I explain it to my mom?

“It should be obvious . . . that in an era of relatively unrestricted premarital sex, women in the work place, delayed marriage, and high marital breakup, there is a profound logic – almost an inevitability – about the practice of living together before marriage. What are the alternatives? Either marriage at a young age (not a good idea because, among other reasons, it limits access to higher education and is associated with a much higher risk of divorce), no sex before marriage (hard to imagine reinstituting this social norm across the population), or sleeping around’ rather than living with one sex partner (not good for a variety of reasons). It seems likely, therefore, that non-marital cohabitation is a practice that is not going away anytime soon.” Christine A. Scheller

I am aware that in some cases, couples do it after engagement but still I would like to know…

  • Are you living with your partner?
  • Why did you do it? Who suggested it?
  • How is it working out for you?
  • Does it feel like marriage?
  • Are you hoping to get married to your live-in partner?  What would marriage change?
  • How did you break it to your parents and what was their reaction?

I’m Just Curious!



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Comments

167 Comments on "Yi lama Vat En Sit"

  1. Nandi on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:33 am 

    Tjo weeee :-) let me read again….

  2. XtraLargePtyLtd on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:41 am 

    Uy’thenga njhani eMoto unga zang’uy’testDrivhe?! and to add on dat! Visiting ur lover over weekends and holidaying together is not enough, u need to learn about their daily habits and how they cope under pressure maybe work related or what ever thing that they come across on a daily! Let’s face it! Ppl can front! I know I can be in my best behavior for 2weeks if I know I’m expected to turn my charm on so holidays r over ruled! Same thing applies to sex! Can’t marry some1 I’ve never had a taste of so that No Sex b4 marriage thing together with waiting to tie the knot thing must both be thrown out da window! Kumnandi uku kipita(sp)… Tried it like 3 times never worked out! Explains why I’m still unmarried n single

  3. Bee on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:44 am 

    My partner and I were so inlove when we first dated. She was leaving with her family and same here BUT we were very inseperable. After six months I told her I was relocating to JOZI she decided to come with me. Before we left Capetown we decided we were gona stay together when we got here. So we did, and(true colours were revealed) we started fighting and learning more about each other. After six from then we realised that we were still much inlove so we bought a bigger place and few years after we got married. Oh about notifying the families, we never did they just knew that we lived together and they would visit us.

    P.S me personally thinks that its extremely important to talk to your partner about this kind of stuff some people dont like being “suffocated” by their partners.

  4. Makgotso on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:48 am 

    this question always trouble my mind “can you really know a person?” If you can why then people kipita for 10 years and get marrief then after a year kuqhume idivorce. as for me I’m very much comfortable with no sex before marriage singafa ukudliwa mahala,kwaaaaaaa

  5. Kiki on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:59 am 

    I think its best to do the Vat en Sit. I would do it but only if its with someone I’d like to commit to. I agree with Clint,when u live with some one that’s when true colours come out and just like in Bee’s situation when those colours are out u then decide if u wanna accept those tendencies and live with them or u walk out.

    Living together really brings out the real in a person. I once shared a house with a good friend of mine years ago. I must say we were like best friends,always thought we had a lot in common UNTIL we started living together. Tjo tjo tjo,can u spell STRESS? It was fun the 1st few weeks but after that there were days when we weren’t talking to each other bcoz of each other’s irritating habits.

  6. Kiki on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 4:32 am 

    Kwaaaaa Makgotso,ungavumi ukudliwa mahala. Why do you think Khanyi put a price on herself? Lol

  7. soul sista on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 6:32 am 

    I think this is where “different strokes for different folks” applies. Everybody has a particular reason for it.
    I’m one of those people that don’t believe in cohabiting but hav no issues with people who do itz.

    When it comes to test driving I always ask… Did you buy the car that you use at driving school or you bought a new one?

    Lol,@Makgotso o ka fela

  8. Zoe on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 6:45 am 

    Its a question of buying a cow in the age of free milk.

    I don’t have anything against it- its just that when you find out that your live-in partner of 4 years is getting married to someone else it makes me think twice. But that could happen even if you’re married. Oh well…

    I strongly believe in knowing all facets of a person incl their friends and more especially, fam coz that gives you greater insight to who they are.

  9. Zoe on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 6:50 am 

    And who the heck test drives a car for 2 years? It’ll start over-heating and throwing all sorts of problem way after dat.
    As my gran tells us, be patient and submissive before he brings the cows after that you are free to reveal your true colours. I bet you Pastor Dube’s wife started with the beatings after he’d put a ring on it.

  10. Nthoentle on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 6:57 am 

    I did it for 2months, my dad wanted to throttle me tjoo I will never forget. I did it cos I had just moved out of res, gotten a job and had no place to live at/in. So I was actually in transit, looking for my own place but dude decided we should just get married so I didn’t move out. Lol

    It didn’t feel like marriage, ei mara ke kgale I can’t remember.

    Nna from what I have seen, most men don’t marry women they live with hey. MOST,not all. Mara these days it has become norm so hai I don’t know.

    I agree with u Kiki on this, living with someone can’t be the deciding factor for lenyalo that’s non-sense

  11. TC on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 7:48 am 

    I agree with clint mara most of the times nge vat en sit you end up not marrying the guy. Then again there are successful vat en sits.

  12. empee on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 7:51 am 

    It depends mo mothong gore vele o commited ga kakang. Some women move in with a man who has a child outside and he ends up marrying the mother of his child.
    You must be damn sure when you make that decision!

  13. nan on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 7:52 am 

    Weh! uMashlalisane is a no-no for me, if you can go two weeks that’s cool, or I can visit you once in a while :) at the end of the day why are you going to go and buy milk when you live with a cow in the house? Into ingayiqhola uyifake iaromat ne spices but at the end of the day what it is will still come through… You don’t need to live with it to know that…

  14. Litoh Scholes on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:00 am 

    Wena BS uzotshata nam ndiyakxelela,my opinion is if you wanna get married you will do that with the person you Really love because love is the reason you should marry,I don’t know if there is a person who wants their partner to behave like a girl/boyfriend because you should be marrying so that you will turn from being a boy to a man,a girl to a woman,that means i don’t think at Vat n Sit you can fully judge your partner as one of these stages..{MAN/WOMAN}.Top of all you should discus what you expect from each other once you get married…FOR ME,I SAY KUDE LE NETEST DRIVE BECAUSE YOU WILL ENDUP DAMAGING PEOPLE’S PROPERTIES {breaking hearts} to people who wanna get married for serious reasons. @BS,how much will the uncles want?

  15. MsFabb on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:11 am 

    The proposal….LOL

  16. mamdladla on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:13 am 

    oh well me and my Fiance we stayed together after we moved to Gauteng.We getting married in March after 3 years of living together. we didnt tell our parents they just found out on their own. i can say it worked out very well for us. Its true that you find out lots of things about you and your partner when you kipita that can make your relationship stronger or it can brake it.

  17. Kuly on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:30 am 

    It is for different reasons, whether to save money, or to trial if youwould cope with having another invading your personal space.

    I did the vat en sit for some reason, and i got to know the new person i was potentially gonna be living with for the rest of ma life, and boy, we learnt new and hard things to accept about each other, but ke, love was the centrepiece apho.

    Tjo, all i can say is, YOU DON’T KNOW A PERSON TILL YOU STAY WITH THEM./…so be careful when you marry.

  18. Kell on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:37 am 

    Am all for ‘VatnSit’ if you really feel like you love the person
    I wouldn’t want to ‘VatnSit’ with just anyone!

    I know of someone who’s just over 25 and has been through atleast
    6 ‘VatnSit’ situations… And that’s just wrong!
    You don’t want to end up being just a ‘Vatnsitter’

  19. Nokxie on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:44 am 

    My parents found out on Noeleen’s show that I was living with my baby daddy they had their suspicions but confirmation was tru the show

    Luckily I have quite modernish/traditional family so they didnt wring my neck

    TG they taught me to be responsible for my actions and cover my back when it comes to financial issues

    We live together for 2 years got engaged wa hlawula and stated lobola neg at home but then the birth of our son made me realise I was living with a grown a s s baby , realised we were no longer in a couple relationship and realised I hated his family and wouldnt want to be a part of them even in my desperate spinster days and so kicked him out, tried to rekindle the love by going back to basic dating like before, but somehow never worked.

    Vat n Sit would I do it again………….dont know

  20. gadda on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:44 am 

    Lived with my-ex for 8years helped her to get a job and she started acting out and having flings at work dumped her and got married to younger good looking chick within a year still married for 5 years now with two children.

  21. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:47 am 

    I just want to add,that from my very humble and subjective opinion, “test driving” in general just isnt cool. Perhaps only in objects,like cars etc…

    As i read the comments……

  22. lwandie on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:47 am 

    Ya like soulsista said on this one, nami ngithi to each their own.

    Its something I wouldn’t do personally because I’m old fashioned like that and I try to tread carefully with anything that involves another person’s feelings and heart. I don’t really believe one can fully know someone and I think part of the thrill in marriage is those little discoveries you make about each other and trying to work at them as a couple.

    The majority of Live-ins I’ve seen failing, were not because of incompatibility but over familiarity.

  23. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:50 am 

    tjo @gadda… , although she did you wrong, i wonder how she felt about that. I hear that it hurts a lot of ladies when after many years of vat en setting, the relationship doesnt work out and brothers marry in a short space of time ryt after dating again…thats sounds sooo ouch*

  24. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:51 am 

    ” The majority of Live-ins I’ve seen failing, were not because of incompatibility but over familiarity..” I agree Lwandie….infact, Selamina was saying the same thing yesterday wehn on Spirit Sunday when asked about her thoughts of van en sit.

    “To each his own”..yes indeed!.

  25. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:57 am 

    LOL @Soulsita, this is my quote of the day, inafct ive just found the answer to this question that people pose to me a lot of times….wheew

    “When it comes to test driving I always ask… Did you buy the car that you use at driving school or you bought a new one?..”

    oops, but test drive is test driving in the garage before u buy…arg, but still, i can get away with this quote when talking to a slow-nyana person…

  26. Maratahelele on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:57 am 

    From my experience with friends who van n sit,they never marry woman they vat n sit with.A guy will never say no to Vat n Sit cause its easier for him to get a wife without really “paying” for her.It also means that he can do anything he wants without being worried of you living him and taking half of his riches.

    This goes with girls who plan pregnancies with BOYFRIENDS.Just cause you have a child,it doesnt mean he will marry you.If its a “mistake”,it is cool but dnt expect that he will suddenly marry you after.My experience with a marriage is you will always learn new things about your partner everyday,no matter how long you have stayed with them.

    Lastly,girls,please talk to your families to stop asking ridiculous amounts for lobola.That is the main reason guys choose to vat n sit cause they cant afford all that.Just remember when he dies,you will probably be left with nothing as you wont be his legal wife…

  27. lwandie on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:01 am 

    Heheee @ kell “vat en sitter”…sounds like a professional title..some peeps actually sort out their next vat n sit before moving out of the current one kinda like job networking,now that’s just wrong.

  28. lwandie on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:05 am 

    “Slow-nyana person” ….kwaaaaaaa @ Ga *dead dead*

  29. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:07 am 

    lol…i love the figure of speeches

    “Its a question of buying a cow in the age of free milk.”…Zoe

    “And who the heck test drives a car for 2 years?”…Zoe

    “FOR ME,I SAY KUDE LE NETEST DRIVE BECAUSE YOU WILL ENDUP DAMAGING PEOPLE’S PROPERTIES ” …Litoh Scholes

  30. MissAN on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:07 am 

    Good day yo’ll

    hello @ GA … I wanted to tell u something this whole weekend,but I forgot what it is…

    @Nthoempi Lol…I cracked when I read this…

    Anyways,someone mentioned something interesting,we was talking about churches *USA accent* and someone mentioned that batho ba ko ZCC those that join the church married they never get married and those that join the church single,they never marry and will vat & sit for ever…LOL… no offence to maSion hle…

  31. cleavage on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:12 am 

    I live in PTA and my man o dula Midrand and works ko Jozi.for the past month he has been staying at my place coz I cant afford to see him ka di weekends fela-we are even considering staying together coz its useless to pay rent ko Midrand a sa dule- giving the house to his friends to shag their gals there!!!

  32. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:13 am 

    Lwandie…lol, i was slow to catch the lil falacy in the quote lenna, im sure there is someone slower than me out there…if there is any one who smarter who will pick it i can awlays quote Zoe ..“And who the heck test drives a car for 2 years?”…im sorted.

    Re: vat-en-sit “proffessional”, lol. I have a picture of a very frastrated dude worried (bitting nails and all)that the current patner is leaving next week and he hasnt got a replacemnet….lol…

  33. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:17 am 

    hey MissAN…*waving* ….aw, ke mantaga gape. K, settle in ne, maybe it’ll come back…:)

  34. MissAN on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:19 am 

    @ GA…. I remember now…I saw the DW…Trevor Noah looks like Maxwell!!!

  35. Zoe on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:22 am 

    GA, you are killing me like O.J!

  36. Nthoentle on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:35 am 

    Hai Kiki wang confuser, are for or against? LoL!

    Kwaaaa @MissAn-Nthoempe ke classic nana

  37. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:37 am 

    @Zoe..you are my shero..wena le Soulsista, you helped me with pertinemt responses to a question that i often scratch head over ;)

    MissAN…thats true…but MissAN…my sweet loving *concerned*, that was a random thought ka weekend hle wena, lol, but i get the addiction that is JC..i get it. Not having a moderm is helping me ryt now…no actually it sucks!

  38. Kiki on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:43 am 

    @Nthoentle,what are you talking about? You are the one confusing me now…hehehheh

  39. Letebele on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:44 am 

    I’ve done the vat n sit, for four years and mamazala was a witch(arent they all). eventually separated coz we wanted different things as individuals (career wise) and jhb was not where his plans where and i knew that. he wanted long distance but i couldnt coz i knew 5/10 years from now, i couldnt move the north west to settle there and his business really needed him to be based in the boring/dead province.

    i’ve since grown up and therefore become very old fashioned, so i realy dont see myself staying with another man before marriage. but never say never right?

    on the other hand, he’s gotta love me enough to want to marry me coz divorce is always there if things dont work out. damn i’m even scared to have kids out of wedlock but if it does happen, i’ll embrace it and deal with it.

    Nice one BS!

  40. Magsiwe on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:46 am 

    I’m preggies(8+months) and engaged to my baby daddy. We started to live together three months ago (he asked), I have never stayed with a man before that. My thing is I would never had stayed with him if he didn’t propose. Im glad I waited..

  41. MissAN on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:47 am 

    @ GA… I remember u commented about “Take me take Jean-Paul” it was my first time watching it…and my oh my Trevor looks like Maxwell…

  42. Kiki on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:47 am 

    Oh Nthoentle are u refering to my Mbau comment? Hai that applies to all of us women,married,single,vat n sit or not living with your man. Just don’t let a man take take take without giving nothing in return. Ayikho lonto,it should be a two way street. (If he wants to chow it shaven then he must make sure he meets you halfway on the shaving creams and VAYA) Lol

  43. MissAN on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:50 am 

    LOL @ Magsiwe… mabye he wants u guys to be family before the baby is born!!!

  44. sugababe on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:51 am 

    im totally against it, i think copules should start living together when they are engaged atleast that time they will be preparing for marriage.

  45. GeePee on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:57 am 

    I honestly don’t know if I will do it or not. but at least makayo vela ekhaya, before we can move in together…

  46. MissAN on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:58 am 

    @ Sugababe…Lol… but some people it works for them to be honest,I think I would do it with my beau…

    @Kiki…that Vaya smooth works!!! Thanks to u and JC we always know what works and has been tried and tested… excuse the pun.

  47. lorrelai on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:59 am 

    It really is a matter of preference. I would never have done it though, because I don’t believe that if we had vat en sit it would have made any difference.

  48. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:03 am 

    ewe MissAN, ke ra gona gore you think about JC over the weekend. Im taking you to rehab on friday!!
    PS:…. Trevor could easily be Maxwell’s son.*

  49. galfriday on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:05 am 

    (If he wants to chow it shaven then he must make sure he meets you halfway on the shaving creams and VAYA) lol kiki!!!

    I tried vat en sit for a year bcoz my then bf of 2yrs was having finacial problems – bzns was slow and he was really struggling he couldnt move from campsbay to Gugulethu ( lol)
    he asked to move in with mi, so i said yes , it was nice and fun, he really contributed financially and tried to not make mi feel like i was paying 4 evrything ,when he had sorted out his bznses I aked him when he is planning to move out as this was a temp arrangement, he didnt spk to mi that night and the next day when i got back from work
    he had taken all his clothes and left,

    that was the last i saw of him –

    The thing is with us it was not an engagement , there was no promise to even marry one day , we hadn t discussed that , I didnt want to find me in a situation where i got used to the arrangement and ended up expecting mo,

  50. HoneyPhly on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:15 am 

    I would never do a vat ‘n sit! only because 9 out of 10 times that’s exactly what it’s going to be! end up having a football team for this man and he drops you. ever heard of a couple being together for 7 years mara after you break up 3 months later you hear he’s engaged? why would a man buy a cow if he’s already getting the milk for free? I think at least get engaged and he pay lobola before jumping at the chance of being a ‘wife’. women are so naive and so desperate for love, that men capitalize on our vulnerability! hence men don’t last with independent women.

  51. Letebele on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:20 am 

    @ Galfriday: Tjo! the cheek! so you help him coz u love and care about him? and he acts like a spoilt brat? Nxa, makahambe. u deserve so much better love. I can promise you that udibane nee ngxaki endleleni and was regretting the way he treated you coz now he couldnt ask for your help again. Bloody agent!

  52. galfriday on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:26 am 

    @ letebele LOL , i saw him for the first time after that , last year in december in swaziland , hahahha
    I was with my gals driving my new machine staying in a 5* hotel naye wabona uba ngekhe akhone LOL!!

  53. alikho on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:31 am 

    I think I’d do it if I have intentions of commitment (Like Kiki said)…but this is a huge step but I guess sometimes it feels right…

    As for parents, my older sister paved the way (luckily they r married now) but WoW! I’m not sure how they’d ever find out I’d just explain the logic and reason to them shem…

  54. soul sista on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:31 am 

    Kwaaaaaaa @GA & the slownyana part of her. Its better when said in vernac but that will make some people completely slownyana… Tltltl

  55. HoneyPhly on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:32 am 

    @galfriday, I’m sure you were smiling ear to ear!

  56. Lela on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:33 am 

    Believe me vat n sit is very different from when u are not staying with the person no matter how many getaways you go on,there are things you will never know about a person until u live with them. Before my vat n sit I didn’t believe in it but now I wouldn’t have it any other way. We both suggested it because we were gonna have a child and couldn’t afford to stay apart. Yes God willing we will get married and I’m happy I will be marrying someone that I know.

  57. sugababe on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:38 am 

    @MissAN well thats my story and im stcking to it…

  58. MissAN on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:39 am 

    @ Lela… I get ur point but it seems most people mostly women are worried about the cow being milked for free…should it not be better if everyone is in on what is expected of them in the future,as opposed to trying to save costs and other reasons but there are no clear expectations from both parties…?

  59. Kiki on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:47 am 

    MissAN,weather you live with him or not the cow will still be milked unless you ncisha him that too which by the way won’t bother him as he will get it somewhere else. My point being masinga tyiwa mahala,Vat en Sit or not.

  60. MissAN on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:51 am 

    @ Kiki… wena nokungatshiwa mahala…all I am saying is,I think it is always best for eeveryone to know whats expected from them that way there are no dissapointments. I don’t know,will cross that bridge when I ever get to it…I might or might not do a vat & sit…

  61. Vesa on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:56 am 

    Mina I’ve never done it and I would really be madly in love to consider it. I will have to give up my freedom & space to accommodate a man in “our” house…..and that thought freaks me out.

  62. MissAN on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 10:59 am 

    *off topic but not so much* guys how was the NERD concert??

  63. Kiki on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 11:05 am 

    MissAN,heheheh do you know the pain of being used as a woman? I am sure you have heard of break up stories where a woman starts to scream ‘But I used to cook for you,wash your clothes and clean up after you’ (after being dumped for someone who cant even wash her own back) lol
    So we need to train our men from the beggining so that if ever there is a break up non of us will feel as used.If he cant go all the way then at least meet each other halfway.

  64. Lela on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 11:07 am 

    As for the cow being milked for free,besivele sidlana even before we stayed together,we saw each other almost every day. Oh,it does feel like being a wife really cz you cook,clean,etc but I had to remind him ba we not married kaloku futhi even if we were married if he is looking for a maid and a wife I will tell my parents to give a discount for the maid part. Just by the way I wanna know what engagement is cz I have seen a lot of people with some 200rand rings saying they are engaged abe umfana engekasi nethole kulontombi, this goes on for years before the guy pays lobola,how can it be engagement when the guy hasn’t payed lobola,are we white kanti?

  65. KewlGal on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 11:07 am 

    Tjoo BS,
    This morning I asked my boyfriend of almost 4 yrs to kindly look for his own place, we’ve been stayin 2getha for the past 3yrs.

    I think I made a mistake although I thought it was for the best for both of us at the time, Nope its not workin shame. When ever we fought he goes awol, last wednesday was the last straw, whats worse is we didn’t fight or maybe he’s angry at something I dont know & he wont tell me. After callin hospitals & police stations, I remember prayin on friday night, “Lord pls let him be on top of another woman its fine as long he is alive” I had already decided by then that if he’s alive his A$$ aint mine no more..

    In my humble opinion (and i’m not saying this cos my vat en sit is failing), I would not advise anyone to do it, especially if he does not talk of sending his uncles within the next 6months, DONT do it dahlings. Right now i feel so drained emotionally cos i’m thinkin damn i’ve been almost like a wife to this man all along but yena msipha wakhe does’nt even have the decency of telling me what the hell is wrong. Tjooo hay amadoda shame..

  66. ThatoM on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 11:09 am 

    mina I think once a guy moves in with u,u mst just knw ukuthi uyoba ugogo womuzi…8am he goes to work 9pm he cums back akudle strong…guys easily get bored so never think “ur da one” once u hav moved in,he just moved in with u coz ufuna ukudla,inanas nd a clean house makabuya emsembenzini.kipita yani? Hai la kimi shem le e POWER PARk.

  67. MissAN on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 11:10 am 

    LOL @ KewlGal’s *cuses Gloria Bosman lakushoni langa,ndakucinga ngawe* abafazi baphethe kansima madoda…

  68. soul sista on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 11:15 am 

    @KewlGal there’ll be someone much better for you girl.
    @GA I bet your quotes collection is increasing now… I know u’ll get something from KewlGal… Lol

  69. babyb on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 11:21 am 

    When me and now “hubby” first met we hit it off frm day one and I wanted to spend every minute of the day with him. He had come of of a vat n sit situation and therefor wasn’t looking into getting into another one. We dated for some time and we both knew we wanted to be together, but frustrated me so much that clearly we wanna live together but cos he had a bad experience in the past *lived with a girl for over 3yrs* he wasn’t up for it. And him refusing to vat n sit was a blessing in disguise cos after 9months of being together, he proposed and paid lobola.So if u gonna vat n sit do it for the right reasons cos for me was cos he had done it in ther past and why did he not want to live with me…

  70. GTI on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 11:41 am 

    @ babyb………..we are on the same page gal. Lobola was paid after 9months been together_and I was 3 months preggies. It’s been 6years been married and blessed with 2 naughty kids. Oh, we hit it off first time we met_damn it was good and still is.

  71. SunshineK on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 11:48 am 

    My fiance and I started staying together withing three months of dating. We spent every night at the others place and it just made sense for us to move in together. We are now in our 5th year and getting married in April. I think that its not vital but it certainly alerted me to certain things like the fact that he’s extremely untidy, leaves his underwear and socks everywhere(I mean everywhere). He’s lazy and doesnt like to clean or cook or anything else for that matter. These negatives however are minor compared to his positives but these are also important things to know before staying with someone.

    He also knows that I dont like to cook unless Im in the mood and I dont like tidying up at all. We are both very moody but we can handle eachother very well. We hardly ever fight and are like siblings who sleep together. If we hadnt moved in together I’m not sure we’d be getting married. Through the Vat en Sit we discovered that our values and morals are the same and that essentially we want the same thing out of life(marriage, kids etc.)

    Not all Vat en Sits end up well though so if you’re going to do it, prepare yourself mentally.

  72. MissAN on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 11:53 am 

    @ SunshineK!!! Eeeuw…that is my only rule,tidy up after urslef and no hanging with frineds until midnight everyday!!!

  73. Lustagp on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 11:55 am 

    Vat’Sit in my view is waste of time, the value of a woman is when you are curious about them meaning can’t wait to know more ngabo so much that it pushes you to marriage.
    How many vat& sit have resulted into marriage, i believe it’s 1 out of 5.
    I am old fashioned myself, i got married after dating for awhile, the fact that my wife who was my girlfriend then stayed with her parents and i had limited time of seeing her or her sleeping in my place , pushed me to work harder in order for us to finally get married and live together and i think that is the best desicion we both have ever made. Ukuhlalisana kona hayi it was never ever been in our books tu. i have friends ezihlalisanyo and tehy swear they will nevr marry ppl they already know imoods zabo and stuff, it’s more like a free ride and when u know it’s time to hit the road you do it with no strings attached!

  74. SunshineK on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:01 pm 

    @MissAN, its my fault that he’s like that cause at the beginning I’d say ” no baby, leave it, I’ll tidy it up” and then he got used to it and just leaves everything everywhere. I should have put my foot down from the start.

    But I have my ways of making him suffer….hee hee!

    Luckily for me he loves being at home and in my company and his friends know that if they wanna see him they come to the house and not go out till all hours. They do go out as “the boys” but its a weekly arrangement which works cause I also need me time.

    I just told my mom, didn’t ask her and she was okay with it.

  75. Brown Shuga on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:01 pm 

    “… We hardly ever fight and are like siblings who sleep together…”

    Wow Sunshine, sex between the two of you must be weird… “siblings”!!!!1

  76. KewlGal on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:06 pm 

    LMAO @ MissAN cue.. its sad yaz shame..

    Thanks Soulsista, i’m a believer in good things, I know someone out there is dyin to be with someone like me…

    I’m really happy for the ppl who manage to make their masihlalisane work, I always say there is no formula to relationships, what works for you might not work for me, but we must not shun love regardless its such a beautiful thing.

  77. SunshineK on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:07 pm 

    Kwaaaaa!
    Eish, ya that sounds wrong. What I mean is that because of living together for a long time(like siblings) we have a real bond, a camaraderie.

    And we sleep together. I should have seperated the comments but couldnt because hello, of course we sleep together!

  78. Style_Lista on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:09 pm 

    Heeeee batho ba rata ho jewa sekoloto Tjo!!!Modisana kgotso

  79. Kiki on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:10 pm 

    Hai khona Lusta,mara the very same woman that you worked hard to marry is the very same one that you are cheating on. So what’s the point? *hides*

  80. Nokxie on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:13 pm 

    Thats why I ditched my baby daddy

    I felt like i was his momconstantly looking after him……the monthly sympathy s e x just became too much felt like incest

  81. Lustagp on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:17 pm 

    The fact is she is the Government in my house and my sidekick life has got nothing to do with whether i love or respect her but evrything to the fact that i live my life the way i see fit which is if i feel cheating without being caught is fun, then let me be Kiki’s.
    Happy Valentines day to you vha and to all the ladies in this house from the big boss to MissAN!!

  82. Lela on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:17 pm 

    Truth is there many vat n sit that don’t end in marriage just like there are many that end in marriage so ja clearly there is no formular. Still waiting for my answer about engagement,are there no engaged pipu in da house?

  83. Lela on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:24 pm 

    And about tellling my mom,i just told her that me and my man are now staying together since we have a child we and can’t afford to be renting separate places so we need to join incomes. She said, “yho hayike mtanam indoda izakufunda and ke ngoku ingabisakutshata.” everythime I think of what she said I just say God forbid! You know what they say about izwi lomtomdala alidliwanja.

  84. manny on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:27 pm 

    eish uku kipita..my patner will hear none of that …after being in that situation for 2 years i understand the frustration and the fear ,,,so its gonna be a long time till we move in together ..mara its cool

  85. Kiki on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:29 pm 

    Mina before I say ‘I DO’ I will most definitely insist on a Vat en Sit for 4-6months NOTHING more,just to help me make a decision because the time we spend together now is not enough.. I don’t want to say I DO then 3months into the marriage I wanna divorce…ngeke because I can never stay in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship let alone marriage. I wont have time to be running around with the lawyers and paying them for something that could have cost me nothing.

    Being the no nonsense person that I am if I just go for marriage each time it means I will be divorcing every year ke….5yrs later it will be Kiki Marli-Monyeapao-Reeves-Bancey-Misoya. Hai ngeke shem.

    #TeamVatEnSit

  86. TT on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:39 pm 

    If you want to get married (From a guy’s point of view) – Don’t Vat n Sit. That would be the biggest mistake of your life. I moved to JHB in 2008 and was so crazingly in Love with my g-friend(now ex). She visited me from KZN and we had a steamy session, thinking I will be only be getting it once a month when she visit, from there I asked her to move-in with me and she didn’t hesitate. She got a job in JHB and we moved in together. Tjo, what happened after that was just traumatising.

    The mood swings, the controlling tendencies, the drama, the crying and the sleepless nights, the emotional blackmails,..Thank You very much…I will let that pass.

    Even today I still resent women in general due to the expirience I had with her. And Off the record, I WON’T GET MARRIED (If women behave the way she behaved, I’m sorry).

  87. KewlGal on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:40 pm 

    My gran used to say, “mntanam once you stay with a man ningatshatanga, he will suck you like ixhegwazana elinezisini sucking an orange, take all the juice out once waba patyu-patyu he will throw u away without even lookin back”

    I feel patyu-patyu right now… kwaaaaaa *fallin of my chair*

    Hope it does’nt happen to u sweet Lela.

  88. Pajero on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:41 pm 

    Well when my husband asked me to marry him I took him to my mom to ask her for her blessings. My mom was happy and I accepted his marriage proposal. I said to my mom, now we are engaged so he must buy me an engagement ring. My mom stopped me right there and then. Said there is no engagement without lobola first. And that engagement ring is just a public display of our affection nothing concrete.

    Vat n sit might work but it ruined everything on our wedding night. There was nothing special

  89. Nokxie on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:45 pm 

    The dumbest is girls in a vat n sit who dont look after their financial interest

    When you left high & dry with no bed, no fridge coz wena during that vat n sit you were madam just shopping, doing your hair, lunching with friends

    Hlaka nipha

    Its different strokes for diff folks I was once in a vat n sit situation and am not against it but wont do it again, in fact dont see myself committed to any relationship that may lead down to me even remotely thinking to spend the rest of my life with a guy

    manje working on my cougar tendencies, ama varsie are open Wits catch me at your freshers bash looking for a nice 22yr old (2nd/rd year student) might just even buy you textbooks

  90. Nokxie on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:46 pm 

    forgot 3rd year students etc

  91. KewlGal on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:53 pm 

    Tshisa Nokxie maaan… LOL

  92. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:57 pm 

    Soul sista you were more than ryt, KewlGal just hit me with a the biggest quote yet..“mntanam once you stay with a man ningatshatanga, he will suck you like ixhegwazana elinezisini sucking an orange, take all the juice out once waba patyu-patyu he will throw u away without even lookin back” ..eish, thats a big one…

    PS: askies KewlGal..as Leona Lewis sings…”its wilol get better with time”.

  93. HoneyPhly on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 12:58 pm 

    @SunshineK, you’re already making excuses for this man? and you say you’re like siblings, watch this relationship go down the drain. let’s talk again in 6 months darling. you’re as naive as a school child in love! shem

  94. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:02 pm 

    @TT…you sound like a lot of my guy friends…which in my #team-women opinion means the lot of you dont understand women and you need to be schooled.You guys must watch Dr Phil, go to BroDA camps etc….aaaand/but Ofcourse on the other end it could mean that indeed women are all these things that you guys describe as if they are the most horrible traits any animal can have….>>>

    “The mood swings, the controlling tendencies, the drama, the crying and the sleepless nights, the emotional blackmails,..Thank You very much…” i have heard this so many times from them..and they also dont wanna get married nor have kids…

  95. galfriday on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:09 pm 

    if u want to hlalisana bcoz u wanna get to knw the person b4 uthi I do – y not go for marriage counseling 4- 6 mnths b4 getting married ( im not married ) I belive these things are explained and discussed in detail pha, and u get to interact play games and actually learn more abt each other.

    Mnot sure who said this apha kwi comments – umntu angaba kwi best behaviour for that 6 mnths bcoz they know uba umbekele i time limit. fact- u can never really know a person.

    I dont think ppl shud stay together bcoz they want to know each other mre coz in most cases it never works – umntu uyachanger

    My aunt has been married to my uncle for 22yrs they have 2 wonderful children he is a respected man of God , kind , honest(or so we thot), but we just found out he has been dealing drugs since they started dating 25 yrs ago and she never knew until iboyz zika Cele zayomvalela endlini yakhe.- my point- love shud be the reason u move in together and as MissAn said talk about yo expectations so that kungabikho mntu othi they hav been taken advantage of.

  96. Pajero on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:09 pm 

    It will take you lifetime to know a person, if that really ever happens. VAt n sit for 4-6months guarantees nothing. You can marry someone and divorce 20yrs later. Our problem is that we tend to want to change our partners characters to be what we want them to be. And someone is bound to be frustrated & miserable in that relationship. And maybe you won’t like what your partner may become. We should only celebrate that we are different and embrace it. Compromise is the way to go and try and find a way to make your relationship work for both of you.

  97. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:10 pm 

    LOL Nokxie…… my little brother is officially warned. He is not going to that freshers bash if he still wants my lowly regular airtyme.

  98. Lela on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:11 pm 

    Lol @KG’s gogo,God forbid! Infact back to sender,lol. Thing is for me breaking one priciple is like breaking them all. Before meeting my man I was celebate for almost 3years and I had vowed that I will not sleep with any man I will date until we are married but ke I broke that one so vat n sit for me was no issue cz I had broken the most important one. Uma usudliwe vele there is nothing to look forward to on your wedding night vat n sit of nee!

  99. Ntshepeng on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:18 pm 

    i want a big house and i can’t afford one on my salary. joint income works for me with the perks of regular sex. if you’re looking for marriage logic says don’t vat n sit.

  100. Lela on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:23 pm 

    I hear you GF but even people who went for marriage counselling still divorce,mina i got into because of circumstance but having done it now i would do it again even if (God forbid) i were to break up with my man cz i have learned a lot from staying with a person. About what marriage will change,it will be a union blessed by God this time, I will not feel guilty about having sex and whatever else we will learn from marriage counselling.

  101. Ntshepeng on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:24 pm 

    “Uma usudliwe vele there is nothing to look forward to on your wedding night vat n sit of nee!”

    kwaaaaa!!

  102. Brown Shuga on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:32 pm 

    “ Uma usudliwe vele there is nothing to look forward to on your wedding night vat n sit of nee! ”

    LOL who said this Ntshepeng?

  103. Lustagp on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:37 pm 

    ‘Uma usudliwe vele there is nothing to look forward to on your wedding night vat n sit of nee!”

    zixolise utsho Lela, thina ke singakhange sihlalisane nabethu abafazi i wedding night was like a breaking of virginity night, more like u cant believe this person is gonna be waking up next to you evryday uyaqonda, besides wedding night kulapho utsho ufumane ‘ingquza’ yonke, umntu akhiphe nezi-tyle ubungazi! so No dont generalise just because ewena ulala ezandleni zakhe already, never talk about i-wedding night ongazange uyizwe wena, haybo!
    Your wedding night was the day u moved in nomntu wakho so which one are u looking for now?

  104. Ntshepeng on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:38 pm 

    @BS, ngu Lela! check reply 1.11pm

  105. galfriday on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:41 pm 

    hai Lungstagp – u harsh

    ‘Uma usudliwe vele there is nothing to look forward to on your wedding night vat n sit of nee!” *dzead*

  106. Kusihlwa on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:41 pm 

    this is a delicate subject, I met my now hubby in my first year of university, we stayed together in a commune. we hooked up twoo weeks after and I started spending a lot of time in his room and then it was like a vat en sit coz my clothes and toothbrush had thier own drawer. we did this for two years. then he moved out of the commune for 8months then he asked me to marry him and we vat en sit for almost two years and got married last year. I think vat en sit helped me know alot about him and the fact that I had no where to go after a fight made me determined to fix things. now we have been together for five years on the 28th and we are going strong. atleast he was true to his word and bought the cow for the beef after milking it.

  107. redhotpepa on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:41 pm 

    love every minute of my life with this man since fell inlove @ the age of 16, had a child with him @ 20..moved in with him @ 22..not even a day i wake up and i thought i was in a Vat n Sit situation (wat the hell is that) havent regreted any decision i made ever since with this guy ..Im now 30 and married to him…everyday feels like i just met him (gives me butterflies) …i guess an early bird catches an early worm..

  108. Lustagp on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:44 pm 

    no galfriday..sanukuhlalisana ndincede nifune ukuzenza ingathi niyawazi umtshato, vat’nsit is vat’s sit not marriage, only married couples can talk about how was teh weeding night, that is not being harsh that is being real!

  109. galfriday on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:44 pm 

    @lela – some here said after divorce u get a broken heart and a hefty settlement, what du u get after vat en sit??just a brokenheart… mna i wud take the former anyday??

  110. Kusihlwa on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:50 pm 

    Ncoh….sweet @redhotpepa.

  111. Kiki on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:51 pm 

    Mina there is no way I can agree to marry a man before I have sex with him…NO WAYS. Imagine being stuck with a crooked ntotolozi that will hurt you each time you have sex okanye you have to go to a corner each he wants to fuck. Aooowa.

    There will be a lot to look forward to on our wedding night because that will be the 1st time we will do it without a condom…lol

  112. Nokxie on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:51 pm 

    Ayibo

    There is a law no that protects ppl in vat n sits just in its early phases but you can now claim cohabitation support etc last heard it being talked abt in 2009 so let me call my lagal ppl to see if it did actually materialise

  113. Nokxie on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 1:56 pm 

    http://www.spice4life.co.za/-cohabitation-.asp?CounterNav=7

    http://www.roylaw.co.za/home/article/cohabitationagreement/pageid/living-together

    Kiki even after 20 years of marriage I would rather still condomise………….lamadoda bring home all sorts of diseases, bangakanani married ppl infected, whilst playing wife at home

    Just like in any marriage, get the paperwork done

  114. Kiki on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:05 pm 

    Nokxie you are right. There is a law that protects Vat En Sit. If you know your rights there is no way you gonna walk out empty handed. Lela don’t worry chomam the law is behind you.

    Kwaaaaa a crazy friend of mine got married in 2009 after living with her man for 1yr 6months. We laughed so hard @ her bridal shower when she made us listen to some recorded convos btwn her and her man back then which the man by the way didn’t know about. She recorded him when he was making all the promises to marry her and she said if he had broken that promise she was gonna sue him for bridge of promise. *dead*

  115. Nkey.. on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:06 pm 

    Eish me being busy missing out on so much.But ke I fully agree with Kiki You need to find out if ipeni liyabhala or not b4 taking things to the next level…I was once in a relationship with the guys that was spoiling me to rot.Taking me to the most expensive hotels zala e CT.But Eeew Embhedeni He was failing completely…So imaging if I discovered that Emshadweni.

  116. TT on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:07 pm 

    @GA- I prefer to deal with being lonely than deal with a potential suicider (girfriend). How do guys understand women?I think I need to listen to men who “understand” women. They need to teach me their secret to dealing with these complicated creatures called “women”. This is my honest opinion.I DON”T UNDERSTAND WOMEN

  117. KevCare on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:12 pm 

    #TeamVatEnSit before marriage!!!!!!!

  118. Lela on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:17 pm 

    Hayibo Lusta nam andizikhuphi zonke,ndisenza eziya zabefore shlalisana,what I’m saying is okusalayo the person knows(in the biblical sense) you already mos. Yes maybe you do look forward to waking up next to each other every day instaed of the usual five days a week,I’m sure it does make a huge difference.

  119. Kiki on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:18 pm 

    TT,there are a lot of women who don’t understand these complicatING creatures called men either. You are not alone shem so JBXXXS. Tltltltl

  120. mama ka Gundi on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:21 pm 

    @Nkey his money was compensating for his default lol..
    Ngiyamzwela ozashanda mina hence okwamanje Vat n Sit iyangisenbenzela ngoba masengicikeka kulula 2show u or to know the EXIT sign with no complications watsoever!!

  121. Zam on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:25 pm 

    Into engingayithandiyo inye kphela,its calling you grl frnd every wknd ngloko ngithi eze,just wish umuntu wami ngimthole anytime.Ngiyamthanda uma eseduze kwami.Anyway mangfunusapalaya i dose kmele nglinde aze afike,damn that hurts.

  122. Zam on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:28 pm 

    @Nkey,I wish ngingahlangana nawe,I will continue on the work that the previouse man failed and boulbel the present man.

  123. KevCare on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:29 pm 

    Its easy for a guy to ACT like the perfect gentleman on a 2 week vacation or on a long-weekend away!
    Live with a guy for 6 months ladies! You will then see:

    >His habits. Domestic, cleanliness, Drinking etc..
    >He he deals with his finances!
    >How he really treats his family! Not what he tells you!
    >His Friends and the influence they have on him.
    >Time he gets home from a “boys night out”, you gonna live with him “until death” so know what u are getting yourself into!
    >Calls he gets in the middle of the night. HE WILL GET THEM!
    MOST IMPORTANTLY:
    You will see how man reacts when you have PISSED HIM THE F**K OFF!!

  124. Lela on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:30 pm 

    Lol@Kiki’s friend,I also do a lot of that recording shem,tltltltl. Tell them Kiki they don’t know ba according to the law vat n sit for three months is regarded as marriage so you don’t go home empty handed. Also got a quote today from Kusihlwa,”he will buy the cow for the beef since he’s been milking it” and I will tell my uncles to charge back pay as well. Hawu Lusta I may not know marriage but what is there to look forward to on ur wedding night if lomtu ubevele ekukhwela? Funda kakuhle I didn’t say look forward to “in marriage” I said “wedding night”,awukwazufunda kanti or awazi umehluko between marriage and wedding hence you always cheat on your wife?

  125. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:42 pm 

    @TT…*sigh*…really u sound like my friends…i always tell them ” im not complicated”…and then i was told i am by one special individual who really looked/sounded confused by me, and now im not sure any more?..naaah, i still dont think imk complex.#denial!

    Like kiki says, im in the pool of women who also dont understand men. I just DO NOT, even my own brothers are becoming tricky to figure out this days. One thing im sure of is that not all men are the same. I acknowledge the negatives and postives traits of men in general, and i pick those i can and cant tolerate and thats how the sifting happens.

  126. GTI on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:49 pm 

    @ TT: I am not a complicated creature but a strong black women who is happy for been herself first. If you want to be naive because of one woman then…tjo!_you don’t know what you’re missing mhlobo wam’.

    In short…ýou don’t understand yourself.

  127. GA on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:56 pm 

    hm GTI…i really wanna jump on that Sista Soulja “im a strong black woman” wagon, it really appeals to my pride. BUT..truth is, i know im a complex shem….as Lwandie once observed…im 6 dimensional, if not more..lol. Very few close friends get that bit about me. The most of them, close as they are dont have the full picture, nor understand how my “dimensions” converge. It would take a special guy to figure it out all in the short space of dating…bla bla…

  128. Brown Shuga on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 2:58 pm 

    LOL @ GTI

  129. Lustagp on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:05 pm 

    Lela- God Bless you for bringing my cheating kule topic nje ngo Kiki, can u be holy for once. You mean to tell me wena u will teach me nge wedding ne marraige ngoku, kaloku wena une theory dear mna ndikwi-practical wether you will bring my cheating or not kule topic. i stillsay awazi nto ngomtshato stick to mhlalisano topic because that is your home qha ke!
    you know nothiogn nge wedding night tu, ungambhobholoza ujijeke mntam, yinyani emsulwa leyo!

    Futhi unayo le tendecny yokuthi xa into ungayazi uyinyembe njengomntu oyaziyo like the ”on top’ riding stuff, that u called abantu abayaziyo uba benza ubukati ngenxa wena ungayazi” andilwi nawe but i am tryign to show you uba wena unguzwilakhe…

  130. TT on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:11 pm 

    @GTI – I understand myself very well shem. I’m a NO nonsense kind of a guy.I hate bullshitting tactics because thats what I do best. So any bullshiting tendencies from a chick, she is out.

    I’m like a CEO of a big coorparate (i.e. My Life). So anything that is a liability to the profitability (i.e. happiness) of my company gets eliminated immediately. LOL

  131. Lela on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:28 pm 

    Lol @me being uzwilakhe,hayike Lusta I said I admit to knowing nothing about marriage but knowing that if you have been sleeping with ur partner before marriage then there is nothing to look forward to on the wedding night. Whatever I say on any topic is my opinion and not gospel,re ubukati and being on top.

  132. Lustagp on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:33 pm 

    eheheh gudbye Lela enjoy your Valentine vha, and make sure wenza ubukati kula ow yakho tonight, he might just pop the question myabe he is waiting for u to do it then a-proposer vha tltltlltlt

  133. Zoe on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:36 pm 

    Ai guys let us not off-ramp and hide behind co-hibition laws. This article isn’t about marriage vs amaVat en Sit. Rather, it was about whether it leads to marriage.

    Rejoicing over the fact that you can get something out of cohabiting clearly shows that marriage is not guaranteed (to those who go into it with such expectations)

    Personally, my folks are not married and that works perfectly fine for then. But right from the very start, the aim was never to get married not this test driving nonsense.

    And you can test a pen by just a scratch before using it. You don’t use it on 20 exam pads before walking into the exam venue with it.

    But I’m really not against nor for it.

  134. Lustagp on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:38 pm 

    hayi wena Zoe let us have fun for once without restrictions please, dont respond to comments rather stick to teh artcile to avoid uku- off ramp(a)..hawu!

  135. Polly on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:41 pm 

    I have a friend who is staying with baby daddy at her place. The guy only pays for the child’s school fees & DSTV (make that R232). The lady is paying the bond, groceries, zonke bonke.

    He told her that he’s not gonna marry her because she doesnt iron his clothes. When they have a misunderstanding, he tells her that he’s moving out- but never does.

  136. Lela on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:43 pm 

    Heheh hayi Lusta I will have to ask first and record him,don’t wanna go through all that trouble and pain for mahala.

  137. Zoe on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:44 pm 

    @Lusta and to think I shared your sentiments on the matter.
    But oh well, I’ll stick to the topic.

    Kipita = keep it. #justathought

  138. Nokxie on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:47 pm 

    “l@Kiki’s friend,I also do a lot of that recording shem,tltltltl. Tell them Kiki they don’t know ba according to the law vat n sit for three months is regarded as marriage so you don’t go home empty handed.”

    @ Lela south africa doent recognise this common law marriage by default, now we can shack up 5/6 years we still just partners and get get nothing, you in an accident my family willdecide the treatment etc thats why tou need to sign agreements etc

    No common law marriage SADLY

    But ya you can claim maintenance if that person has intoduced ypu to a high living standard which he must help maintainafter the split but so far dont know of any cases to reference to

    Yes Kiki keep those promises, i even email BBM chats to my personal email umuntu e busy engithembisa izulu nomhlaba breach of promise baba one day all these things come in handy especially if you just being spiteful it wont heal a broken heart though LOL

  139. lorrelai on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 3:48 pm 

    lol @ Kiki”s friend. that’s brilliant. Athi ephika ube une proof.

  140. Kiki on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 4:02 pm 

    Polly hai your friend is in sh!t…why doesn’t she kick him to the curb? Instead of ukutyiwa ebhekile njengofish? No maan it’s so wrong what she is doing to herself. Yhu,she is patient shem,mina soze. I can’t feed/look after a grown ass man with my hard earned cash,hai suka. If you want to eat contribute towards the groceries,if you want shelter pay rent..SIMPLE! I can’t always be the one coughing out money.

  141. Litoh Scholes on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 4:11 pm 

    We learn everyday mos,this shows tha ANDIZIBETHI ngokungadyoli,seems most of people are in relationships for wrong reasons ne,goodluck if love is not what pushes you…

  142. Nkey.. on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 4:17 pm 

    @ Polly atleast your frnz baby fthr still pays something.With my frnd it’s differnt story.The guy was once loaded owning couple of jewellary shops.They were closed down due to failing to pay rent and jewellary was taken by the court coz he was in serious debts.He now stays by my frnz Housed they have 2 kids 2gther.He does’nt pay 4 anything.Hes even driving Her car.She takes a bus to work.and u lala ama out with the Her car.The way Shes Gatvol She even lost weight so much.No longer in talking terms with her yonger sis coz shes refusing to kick the basterd out.

  143. galfriday on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 4:50 pm 

    Nkey.. thats hectic stuff right there… abafazi bayayinyamezela ifish… my one frend was in the same situation the last straw came when the guy called her and said he is going to Worcester to a frend’s funeral, ngemoto ka GF ke phofu so u Gf got a call at 2am ethi there was an accident and uMr is in hospital kwi northen surbubs sothuka bcoz thina sazi eseWorcester, and guess what there was a gal

    the jerk was on my frend’s medical aid so bam admitte at a nice upmarket hospital , the next morning my frend ( instead of going to the hospital) went straight kwa discovery e headoffice & removed him effective immediately kwi m/aid,
    imoto yayi beyond repairs -

  144. Nkey.. on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 5:00 pm 

    @ galfiday.Im glad your friend took him out of Her medical aid.With my friend the Bustad is still there.They fight about the car issue all the time coz uthanda izimokolo too much.He goes to Mzoli’s or ka Chippa with the car and the next morning my friend receives news in the morning that the car body parts have been stolen.Shes the one whos gonna buy futhi.Again I ask Her why usamgcinile she will say shes doing it for Kids so that they can alwayz have a father figure in their lives.

  145. SushiAndLipstick on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 5:15 pm 

    Some things are just plain disgusting!!! Mina I’d burn his dick till its crispy! Nxxxxx masende abo lamadoda

  146. Znat on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 5:20 pm 

    I think the difficulty with vat en sit is that you have that ‘oh well, I can always leave if it doesn’t work’, which I think is why mine didn’t work. I think if we were married, we’d know its forever (or at least its supposed to be) and we’d work harder at our relationship. Will I do it again? Never! And you are never really relaxed and free around his family, do you behave like umakoti during imsebenzi kubo, or do you stay away? Are you expected to wake up and make tea, then you’ll get abomalume abakhuluma kakhulu who’d ‘jokingly’ ask you ‘so, makoti, kini’kephi?’ Aai, its too much admin, rather do things according to customs and traditions

  147. Bee on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 5:57 pm 

    I just think things like Van ‘n set are one of the individuals beliefs. For me it doesn make sense to marry a person without knowing much about them NO. I see Vat’n sitting as a PREMARITAL phase for those who are planning to get hitched someday. I know vele ukuthi you’ll never know everything about some1 hence there are words like “WE WANT TO GROW OLDER AND DISCOVER NEW THINGS TOGETHER”.

    Hehehe through this post I realised that some people are very selfish. They are not willing to compromise and learn about their partners. And the same people um talking about are same ones who very soon are gonna be loners the time they hit their 40s and they’ll be trying to wreck our marriages esiyisenzele nzima to keep it strong#justathought

  148. Bee on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 5:59 pm 

    Oh nice topic by the way Ms BS………

  149. Lela on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 6:41 pm 

    Hayi Polly mina with people like ur friend I just get angry at them more than the man. Lol @udliwa ebhekile njengofish. I know a couple who stay in my complex and the guy is a friend to my man and brother man is always pretending as if he has money and always chomeling my man and he doesnt know that his wife ukhalela mina everyday about how she is the one who is doing everything in the house with her mom’s money ke phofu cz naye she’s not working. I just told her hayi sisi cacile uyathanda mina I can’t help you. Yes I do help my man in his dry days(Lord knows I’ve had more dry days than him) but he MUST pay back every cent,uyindoda mos. Ungathi ndiba bitter even when we can’t afford certain things vele kuthi ngife kungabekelaphi when I have to do everything on my own. Hayi if kunjalo thank God I’m a Xhosa woman,ngeke ngidliwe ngibhekile njengofish,akere that’s what we famous for.

  150. soul sista on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 7:22 pm 

    I’ve never learnt so much on JC since the CandyTickle nton nton days… Thanks JC fam.

  151. Litoh Scholes on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 7:59 pm 

    Lela nam ngeke unditye ndijongile…

  152. lorrelai on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 8:08 pm 

    Yho Polly, your friend, ASOZE!! Its only our parents who tolerated that rubbish, & its only God who knows why. I aint financially supporting no grown ass man. tshi! Abantu bayayinyamezela imfeketho!

  153. sim on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:22 pm 

    @ Polly, yo friend is being used shame. She must just change locks & pack his clothes in black bags &put put them outside.

    My friend met this jobless dude who was older than her &she dated him bcos he was good looking, think Trevor Noah. He was staying @ friend’s flat, so he moved in with my friend. She bot a car a month later & on his name since she couldn’t drive &didn’t have a licence then.

    I saw the dude kissing a woman in my friend’s car while my friend was waiting 4 him 2 pick her up &his fone was off. He was useless & my friend did everyhting 4 him, eg. buy him clothes, airtime, pocket money, etc. We as her friends tried 2 tell her the dude was using her but se wouldn’t listen.
    Soze ndondle ndoda mna, unotshe!

  154. Nthoentle on Mon, 14th Feb 2011 9:33 pm 

    Tjo! Some Women go to DISGUSTING lengths to keep a man! Bathong, hai sies man. That’s why some men ba tella so, some women let it! Itjo, I’m SHOCKED!!!

  155. mekwamoney on Tue, 15th Feb 2011 8:32 am 

    I couldn’t help but giggle and laugh loudly while reading the article and the comments.
    I am happy for those whose vatnsit situations have panned out for them. I would not allow myself to be in such a situation, being test driven and going through a trial period. Gees, I would feel like a circus animal being on my best behaviour for that period, being taken through my paces in the sack and having my personal space invaded all in the name of being sure. No thanks

  156. Kiki on Tue, 15th Feb 2011 8:43 am 

    Hai ke some women are too sweet and very much giving. I will feed you for two-three days the fourth time if u don’t bring groceries okanye suggest we go buy food then you will be shown the door,kuse Rhautini apha every costs money.

  157. mekwamoney on Tue, 15th Feb 2011 9:30 am 

    @Sim. Wow!!! I am just curious why your friend would put herself through parenting a grown ass man!! Perhaps he really knows his stuff between the sheets but even then sex can’t be that great to warrant him a free ride!

  158. MissAN on Tue, 15th Feb 2011 12:30 pm 

    @ Bee…unjani? I saw ur comment izolo on,what do u mean vat & sit is an individual belief but at the same time u say those that want to vat & sit are selfish??? so far,those that have done it that commented they had pretty bad experiences and some vow not to do it again,and those whose “friends” have done it,its pretty bad vat & sit situations they find/found themseleves in… like someone said,there is no formular for relationships,what works for someone wont work for me… and I would rather take a guys @ TT & Lusta take on the matter than a womens’ take on it…

  159. MissAN on Tue, 15th Feb 2011 12:32 pm 

    @ Kiki… its not being sweet and being generous,these are women that lack a self-esteem and self-love, they willing to accept sh*t from a guy or once upon a time though he would change,and change still has not come. They allow to be treated like that and well done to those leave!!!

  160. sim on Tue, 15th Feb 2011 12:38 pm 

    @ mekwamoney, yeh according 2 her, he was a tiger in bed. 1 of the reasons she didn’t want 2 let the tiger loose was bcos she wanted a baby, a beautiful 1. He was goodlooking than her, think Pepsi Pokane &Machere.

    She fell pregnant & the idiot left her afta she told him. They lasted 4 about 8 months. She was so stupid shame coz she knew he wasn’t gonna maintain the child. He worked though b4 they met as an IT what what but resigned &was lazy 2 work again

  161. Ma2Stash on Tue, 15th Feb 2011 1:46 pm 

    Yoh ..i need some serious self-introspection thanks JC ..kuruff langaphandle !!!

  162. NthabiVDK on Tue, 15th Feb 2011 2:41 pm 

    Wish I was here izolo, t’waz very hot. VatnSit do work for some strong women who know what they really want. I had one that ended in marriage and a child. My hubby pasd on but life did not end there for me. I met another hunk 5yrs later. VatnSit was the order of the day and later marriage and another child. Still at it till today. So really test driving was an idea from smone who saw the need.Viva VatnSit!!

  163. sk1 on Tue, 15th Feb 2011 4:07 pm 

    Hai la kimi shem le e POWER PARk….LOL

    Mina m still old fashioned , don knw if I’ll do it or not …. as u said its a personal choice/preference

  164. Fab Tee on Wed, 16th Feb 2011 4:19 pm 

    hee i think i know you Nthabi, actuali i do, coz tht VDK stands for ur surnames, and ur current surname starts with a K, kanti nguwe loNthabiVDK!…i mostly silent blog by the way but i just had to comment ba ndiyakwazi!

  165. C Cup on Fri, 18th Feb 2011 11:40 am 

    haike…

  166. sugarlips on Tue, 22nd Feb 2011 11:49 am 

    phewwww!

  167. sugarlips on Tue, 22nd Feb 2011 11:58 am 

    ohk,ima be blatantly honest ,i have nbeen d8n my partner for 4 years ,n for the past 4 months weve bin living togethr mainly bcz we spent most of the time yogther even tho we had separate places of our own,economicaly it was a disaster cz he payed rent when he did ni even stay ther anymore so we decided to move in ,we both have separate friends,cars etc we compromise we do chores equally n we have a live in helper cz we both working and studying both our parents do not know abt our living arrangements,we are going to get married but we got a few things that we are working on,i still love him to bits n he stil treats me like a queen.

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