How Music Saved My Life

They can say,
Anything they want to say,
Try to bring me down,
But I will not allow anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me,
And they can try
Hard to make me feel that I,
Don’t matter at all,
But I refuse to falter in what I believe or loose faith in my dreams

‘Cause there’s,
There’s a light in me,
That shines brightly,
They can try,
But they can’t take that away from me.

This is a verse from one of my favorite songs, a song that with no exaggeration what-so-ever I can attest to have literally saved my life and made me the person that I am today and the person that I still aspire to be and grow into.

In our paths of life we are influenced by different forces, we are motivated by different mediums depending on individual preferences.

Some find solace in motivational books, the bible, church, therapy etc. We all have our different copying mechanisms that aid us to survive the harsh realities of life. Personally for me, Music has played an integral part of the existence. It’s the friend that is always there when I need comfort, the friend that is always there when I need to be joyful and the church that is always there when I need spiritual up-lifment and the therapy that never fails me when I lose my way.

There have been lots of songs that have influenced my life, but right now I want to particularly give ode to the lyrics mentioned above because I can remember when and exactly how they turned my life around.

I was in my third year of High School, had a very low self-esteem was fairly very well-known throughout the school, but not particularly popular.

I have always been a very sociable person and friendly with all, so I was on friendly-terms with most circles/cliques at school, but I didn’t really have a claim to fame.

In High School you either have to be really good at sports or really excel in your academics to be part of the “A-List”. I was not good at sports and my academics record was just above average. I was a smart and intelligent scholar, but very lazy. If I studied the day before the exam and got my 60/70% average I was content. So in the High School hierarchy I really had no footing and often felt misplaced and at times lonely.

And on top of that I was being bullied by a group of older boys. I never really showed it to my friends, but I was terrified of this group of boys.

If I saw them coming my way, I would literally do a U-turn and go around the school and use another route even though where I had to go was just a few meters away. And for awhile I was haunted by suicidal thoughts, there was a point where after a very bad day I swallowed about 12-16 Panados at night.

But I just got drowsy, fell asleep and woke up with a slight hang-over the following day. #ThatAwkward moment you wake up alive after a suicide attempt. (LOL).

But till this day no one ever found out about my suicide attempt and this is the first time I’m openly speaking about it. During that period I was determined to take my own life and was constantly thinking of easier ways to do it. Until a little artist by the name of Mariah Carey released her Rainbow CD and I heard a song called; “Can’t Take That Away (Mariah’s Theme)”.

The lyrics in that song touched something in the core of my soul. They came at the right time I needed to hear them. I started looking within and seeking that light within me. And that light within me drew me to my passion for “Creative Writing”. (Also with the encouragement of my English teacher Mrs. Sewarajan)

I suddenly had something I was confident about, which was my writing. I joined the school paper and with just my first article, it was the most talked about article in the school paper and became one of the most popular regular columns. I suddenly now had a claim to fame, which came along with confidence.

And when I saw the mean boys coming my way I would whip out my walkman, play that Mariah song, listen to the lyrics particularly the part that went; “There’s a light that shines brightly within me, they can try but can’t try, but can’t take that away from me”.

I would then walk right passed the mean boys with my head held high and ready to tell them where to get off if they dare messed with me. I was confident now, I was somebody now and I was popular! I had arrived. (LOL!) And from there on, the last couple years of High School were some of the best years of my life.

I enjoyed going to school so much, I even hated school holidays. That place I’d hated so much at once had become my sanctuary and it all began with lyrics from a Mariah song.

That was the first time music saved my life and from there on there have been other situations where music impacted my life. But this moment in time will forever stand out, because it was the first time I was ever introduced to the concept of; “CONFIDENCE”.

I usually don’t like sharing my personal writings/ poetry etc. I just like to write them for myself but I would like to add a piece I wrote a few years ago when I was going through a break up.

This is one of my favorite pieces I’ve written because it was dealing with my heartbreak, but also giving and ode to the influence music had in my life.

I hope you enjoy.

Beat Goes On…

You synchronized my spirit and soul,
You drew up the baseline of my heart,
Till it reached a deafening pulse.
Pulled my strings like you’d play a guitar.
Played my keys to the perfect note.
You and I together hummed the perfect melody.
But like a scratched CD, our beautiful music came to a halt.

I try to sing…La La La
But Our Do-Re-Me, aint in tune no more.
Where has our music gone?
Though our riff has drifted
The Beat goes on…
For the Beat is in my heart.
And the Beat continues to move my heart.

I try my rhyme.
But it turns into grime.
I tear your letters and I hear a sneer.
Our Love was a beautiful art.
That’s why it topped the chart.
Number one to number fifty, then to not heard at all…
That’s why I sit here and all I do is bawl…
I should’ve seen the innuendo.
And maybe we would’ve reached the crescendo.

Our Love making reached 5000 Watts
Finding you was so hard, almost like
Trying to tune Fm on an Am frequency.
But now my tuner can’t search anymore…
Only sound I hear now is static.
But the drumming in my heart still goes on.
So I will not give up on love,
For what is music without a beat?
As long as I have the rhythms of my breath
My beat will go on…
For my beat moves the greatest instrument I possess
And that is; My Heart!

So do you hear that?
My sad ballad has turned into a survivor’s song.
Now sit back and watch me dance, as I move on.
For now I am the beat, and the beat is me!
So watch me go on…
The Beat goes on!

By Zamani Khethelo ©

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