Chronicles Of Ms Taboo: Trust Issues, So I Ride Alone
September 7, 2011 by Myrna Burgess
Let me start all the way in the beginning for this to even make sense. 20 years ago, in 1991, my Daddy died. I was 8 at the time. One would think that 20 years would stir my memory, but that day is as vivid in my mind as if it happened yesterday. In reality I’ve lived more than double the years without him, but those 8 years no man could replace in a lifetime.
I was in Standard 1 at the time (grade 3 as you know it now), and I remember my home-room teacher sitting me down in an attempt to comfort me after I had returned back to school. Many years later her words still ring testament. She said that if I learn anything from losing my father, it should be that his death was not his choice. He never chose to leave me or our family. That it was God who called him to Heaven because his work on earth was done. Her words: “He never chose to leave” is something I’ve carried inside of me for 20 years since that day. In every sense that was my comfort; what I needed to face every day without my father.
Fast-forward seven years later and my mom remarried. It was hard on me; I didn’t want another man trying to replace the one man no one else could live up to in my eyes. I remember not being fully supportive of their union, but because it was my mother, and she appeared happy, I wanted her to be happy. And over time my step-father and I bonded. Maybe it was the fact that he and I were both Sagittarius, so in many ways we were actually alike, or the fact that during those “growing years” he allowed me to run a little free while my mother was doing her best to be a mother and still harness that grip. Well happy is how it started off, and sad to say not the way it ended. Three years later he left. And they ended up in the divorce court.
And this, after many years of soul-searching, has found me face to face with my “daddy issues” and why I find trusting a man so difficult to do. In my head, they will always leave. They’ll either die or choose to. Now in many aspects I realise that this is a lot of pressure to put on a man in my life, but from experience this is all I know.
Two of my life’s most “moulding” encounters happened in a span of 10 years. In 1991 my Dad died. In 2001 my second “Dad” chose to leave. And by this time I was only 18 years old. It didn’t take a psychologist to tell me where my trust issues came from; it took me having to dig deep back in time.
There’s a 10 year gap between 2001 and now, and that’s been filled with some of my hardest lessons in terms of relationships; searching for who I am as opposed to who the men in my life wanted me to be, heartbreaking break ups to make ups, a devastating miscarriage, lies, heart wrenching truths, humiliation, broken promises, lets just say I’ve stacked up on that Louis Vuitton baggage, but still I’m not one step closer to allowing myself to trust someone to not break my heart; to not leave.
I have a friend who’s been a “shrink” in many ways. She asks questions in the most blatant sense that when I hear myself answer I feel dumb for even having to say it out loud. And the questions she’s sparked in me is what sends me on a soul-searching quest each time. One of our many conversations had led me to look back and really meditate about the path I’ve had to walk, the words I never said, the burdens I’ve carried, the baggage I’ve accumulated along the way, and just see it for what it is… life lessons. But what was most significant about this journey was that after all the disappointment and sadness that has filled my world for a very long time; I still find the courage to smile, even if it is through my tears.
I still believe that there is a man out there who really will mean the words he speaks when he says he won’t leave me, and that he’ll be my “ride or die”, because the most important part about “ride or die” isn’t the “ride”; anyone can ride. The part that matters most is the “die”. Right?
Like many, I have heard the same song being sung too many times. “I’m different”. “I promise I won’t hurt you”. “I’m not like them other guys”. And like many women I have fallen for those sweet songs; verse, chorus and bridge. To the point where I now wonder … why sing the song if you can’t follow up after the music has ended?
I will never ask for a perfect relationship. All I want is a simple one, and a person who will stay with me until the end of my journey. With no BS, just straight up you’re down for me like I’m down for you.
And with the baggage one has collected over the years, does this get any easier? I mean, they say we shouldn’t punish the new man for the old one’s mistakes, but how can we not when we’re human? How do you trust, when at some point in your life, trusting someone had you wishing you hadn’t in the first place?
Some may ask why I’m still single, but the truth is that the very men, who I trusted not to hurt me, hurt me. And for the life of me I don’t trust a new man not to do the same.
That brings me to another point… Some say my standards are too high, but is that the reason a good guy is so hard to come by? Doesn’t the term “good” refer to values and the way you treat your woman as opposed to what they have to offer materialistically?
Does the good guy, by anyone’s standards, still exist? Or is it that the bad boy, formerly known as the good guy, had one girl who broke his heart and tore it into small little pieces and now he’s vowed till the end of mankind that he will never allow himself to fall in love with another girl and risk the chance of getting his heartbroken again?
*sigh* … Is this just one vicious cycle?
In an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, Meredith said this: “There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It was because if I thought I loved someone and then it fell apart – I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone because what if you learn what you need; love, and then you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain?”
And THIS is why I ride alone.
By Myrna Burgess ©
@thartorina on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 12:57 am
Tjo*bowing down*this article hit home!iv got no words2 explain just how reading this makes me feel!
Ratty on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 2:04 am
We’ll never be able to figure relationships out & there is no cure for the pain & damage that loved ones cause us. It would be kwl if love could be put in a bottle and placed on a shelf only to be used next life time. But unfortunately that’s not how things are. Everything happens in divine order & everything that has happened to you has made u who u are. Life’s too short to allow the past to keep hitting you in the face. You have to lead a strong & powerful coz at the end of the day its not about how many times u fall but its about u getting back up again after falling flat on ur face!
lbg on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 5:37 am
Oh gosh the honesty in this article is brilliant. I also had the same issues but I have a dad who loves me nd shows it. My world was crashed when the first man I loved moved away nd I refused to accept what I felt so I ended up projecting what I felt. I kept on thinking that every guy will leave and when they did not I gave them a reason to I would be angry when they are around nd cheat nd suggest affairs till they left. Nd one day I broke down in my ex’s bathroom nd I decided to tell the first man who lefy how I really feel nd yeh the were things that were harsh but I needed to say. After that I got kinda better I’m still scared of men but I’m engaged nd threw caution to the wind coz I refuse to not experience things due to actions by other people that I can not control I do not love for other people I love for my self. If it blows up in my face I will cry till my eyes run dry nd allow my self to go through all the emotions I will feel but I would have had it. U still need to mourn believe me. Nd ur standards rnt high men r chasing wealth more than humanity nd they end up being rich morons who think they own women.
Makgotso on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 5:40 am
Mhhhhhhh deep very deep
RedVelvet on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 6:16 am
*walks past*
NestlepureLife on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 6:49 am
Sho! The honesty in ths article. My father left us jus like tht hence me having trust issues. I steered away 4rm relationshps not wanting 2 get hurt. M in a relationship now n everytime my man leave I bcum ol suspicious wondering gore o ya kae wa boya na. Since my father disappointed me le ge ne ke kopa sumthn I can’t trust any man 2 do anythn I ask for/want. These days m betta tho, coz ths toxic is jus messing up thngs 4 me decided 2 give ppl a chans n not assume.
RexonaABC on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 7:48 am
Good things need hardwork, so most of the time when it comes to relationships some people opt for an easy way.. I may sound weird but I habve learnt to enter relationships without any expectations, yes good men do exist, just that sometimes they pass infront of our eyes. Learn to to love but leave a room for disappointment, and trust only yourself.
Owami2012 on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 7:51 am
Wher do I start? How do I start? *wipes tears* WOW *breaths, *a
While readin this this song came to mind “RKElly when a woman loves,” my dad left wen I was 3 .. (He was abusive) but I stl loved him, grew up with an abusive uncle, nd all the other men th@ whr in my mums life wher also the say , thy used her, beat her nd left her… How can I then trust any man after this … How can I love any man, how can I allow any man to come into my life nd treat me like a princess if I don’t trust any man th@ breaths … Tjo this really made me dig deep and realise th@ all these men in my mum’s life ruined it for any man who comes into my life… I want to love I want to give it my all I want a man who I can grow old wit… But I dnt trust th@ ther is one.. Men I have come acrosss r cheaters , cruel human beings who want to F nd go .. Thank you for this , I really needed to knw um nt the only one *crawls back to silentville*
Hle1803 on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 7:52 am
In each tear
There’s a lesson, (there’s a lesson)
Make you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger)
In each tear (each tear)
Brings you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what you’re meant to be. *singing in MJB’s voice* with these words I hope you build bridges and get over the heart ache and bad memories *i say this in the nicest way ever* come now are they really worth you notmoving on?
LesDaChef on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 8:44 am
From a guys perspective.
It sometimes irks me when you hear ladies say things like “good guys are just a myth”, I’m so glad she added the paragraph about bad guys having been good guys before at one stage. Not all men are inherently douche bags, we feel, we love, we internalise emotion just like SOME ladies but unfortunately society has taught us not to voice or show that side of us. We all have trust issues and sometimes I feel we men more so than woman, give in to that fear of accepting to your emotions and allowing someone else to own the power to either hurt or bring you happiness.
From personal experience I’ve never seen my parents fight in 30 years of marriage. They are the epitome of a perfect union, I’ve used what I’ve seen from them in my life and relationships. Respect, understanding, compromise, teamwork…but those things still didn’t stop an ex-fiancee from cheating on me. Such is life and human beings. I was angry but I learned with time that each individual is different. Its up to you to have the courage to allow yourself that small chance at happiness, that good man/woman could just walk you by whilst you’re busy shouting “screw them all” and being to blinded by fear.
Mapakisha on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 9:18 am
@MsTaboo, I love your work, you’re just good. The part about your teacher’s advice justblew me away. I wish someone had told me that when my Gran died, I wouldn’t have felt the way I did. Thanks for this piece*emotional*
Nthoentle on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 9:22 am
Ao bathong. This is just so so sad, too sad. I was raised by the most loving man ever, my dad is my hero,married as I am. My mother is trully blessed and that has made me know my worth. I truly sympathise because I also don’t think I would have made it without my dad.
Ya neh…growing pains *sigh*
sushi on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 9:29 am
Good morning people…ooooh so where do I start??!ok the beginning I guess, so my dad left too but I vowed to NEVER in my life let that determine my destiny, I feel so angry when girls give excuses like ‘my father abandoned me so that is why I have 4babies at the age of 20, I looked for love in the wrong places’…I mean why can’t we use these terrible situations to mould us into better people?!, there was a time or still is where I just resent him for what he did, and I myself have real trust issues so much that I’m terribly scared of relationships, I’m just scared of the getting hurt part,getting over the person and having to start over all again, and as a result got burnt once and right now my heart is just off limits, but during the process of the break up, I had a heart to heart with my mom and she gave me the best advice ever, she told me to just let go a bit, be vulnerable and just stop being hardcore, what your dad did he did, I must never let peoples destiny determine my own, but as my high school teacher would say, pray for the man you want, so ill keep doing that until I find the one even though falling inlove still scares the carp out of me, but than its all about taking risks right?, right!
faith on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 9:34 am
I thank yo Ms Taboo for bringing light into things I would have never understood, my dad passed away early this year because of F**cken douche bags of robbers who I know and know my dad pretty well, I could never understand why what happened happened because he showed me how a man is supposed to treat me and what I’m supposed to tolerate from a man and gave me eternal love that I can always know that he loved me and I will always love him until I die and with that said I now know my worth because of him. I don’t have trust issues as I have never been hurt by a guy before fortunately for me I end things before they spiral out of control and that saves my heart from a lot of things. Again thank you Ms Taboo for making my day this morning.
lynx on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 10:06 am
sources for trust issues differ, in my case they did’nt come from my dad, he was the most honest, trustworthy,Romantic,loving person I knew.. and I fell apart when he passed away, not becoz I was angry for leaving me I understood very well that day would come as he would tell me in the past that he’s day was coming, and strangely enough he was looking forward to it coz he knew he had lived a full and gracious life, as he would say he felt sorry for us who were to be left behind..
The problem for me I had always looked for my dad in a partner, come in with expectations of “Near to perfection Pertner” I found that he does not exist, when one “S” shredded my heart into pieces, naively I thought I could change him and turned a blind eye to how he treated me.. u need to fed up to realise your worth, I did. I know that there are good men out there, who trully love and appreciate a woman, Have not found him yet but I have hope that some day when I atleast expect he will come into my life and rock my world, wonderfully so… I need to get back on the dating scene 1st, but for now my career takes No1
Good luck gals in finding that one person who makes your heard spin with excitement..he is out there
DontDoIt on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 10:18 am
such an honest article, sent chills down my spine. Growing up I never had an example of a good, solid, working relationship as I was raised by 3 single women…my mother, my aunt and my gran. I don’t know what it feels like to have a male figure in the home-front and as a result I have had to (in so many ways) toughen up when it comes to relationships, I don’t trust men and I’m ok with it, I hold no ill-feelings towards them, I just don’t trust them and I am very clear about this in every relationship I get into. I’ve been “riding alone” for over a year now and it’s gotten to a point where I struggle to relate to the opposite sex, when I meet someone I have an endless list of excuses as to why it won’t work and I’m always proved right. My father chose to leave and by doing so, left me unable to take men seriously as a collective. Oh well #shrugs
Nkey.. on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 10:21 am
@ Les Dachef thanks for sharing your parents relationship,It gives hope.
This piece really make me cry.It makes me think of my Dad who was the best thing that ever happen in my life.He passed on 2000 when I was 14 But I still cry so much when I think of him.Im glad I got over the idea that wud have been much better or easier if he did’nt leave so early.
I look at some of us who do not know their biological fathers and regard my self the Lucky one coz every moment I had with him was SPECIAL.
This ——->“He never chose to leave” teres (sp) my heart apart coz I know for sure that He would’nt.
I can go on and on but sila ngomsebenzi so I gotta go back to work *emotional*
Thanks @ M’aam Taboo.
–
Vesa on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 10:39 am
@LesDaChef….I love your response.
My belief is that life happens! In all forms of relationships, people will come into your life….some will stay forever, some will drift apart from you due to many reasons and some will just walk out on you! So is life…..and that’s what makes it what it is.
Biskiti on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 10:49 am
Thank you Ms Taboo for the beautifully written piece, very insightful indeed!
I grew up looking-up to my father, looking in very closely to make sure that i don’t turn out like him. I could never understand why my mother tolarated a fraction of what went on in her marriage, and because of that i detested my father, we could never be in the same room alone. Never had any father/son relationship. The greatest irony is that when he was young, his father(my grand father) used to do the very same things he did to my mother and that brought such great pain to him. He told my mother all of this when they were courting, and sadly he eventually became his father’s son.
Now here i am, after seeing all of the bad examples (generational curse) of what it means to be a man, how do i walk the right path? That freaked me out a lot, to the point where I made a vow to myself to rather be alone than bring constant pain to someone i claim to love. I’ve broken that vow, and i chose to loved openly, got my fingers burned and my heart broken into a million pieces. Mara the struggle continues, i know that true love is out there for me, and i will eventually find that person who will love me perfectly, flaws & all. But the main thing for me is >> I am not my father’s son.
The good end to his life story is that my father found Jesus a couple of months before he passed away (from a car accident). He apologized to my mother, to me and to my brothers for what he put us through. We forgave him for the wrongs he did, and he left this world with a clean slate!
Ms Taboo on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 10:55 am
When I write my blogs they’re merely pieces of the puzzle that make me who I am, & they’re based on moments & encounters I’ve experienced throughout my life.
This one in particular was based on why I’m alone. And I hold no grudges against those who’ve done me wrong for I too had insecurities that made me difficult to live with, but if a woman has a wall up it’s because it was built… brick by brick, lie after lie, heartbreak after heartbreak.
Because of the damage guy’s caused women in the past (and vice versa, the other sex now have to work twice as hard to gain trust.
This is where I’m at right now, but I’m hopeful. And thank you for letting me share my stories with you. Much appreciated
And #ItsAllLove
Bohlez on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 11:01 am
*crying* wow Myrna, feels like u wrote this 4 me…jus 4 me, this is kinda lyk story of my life..i lost my dad when i was 8 yrs old but my mom never remarried, he was the best man i ever knw and also went thru the same shit yoooooooo, this is speaking 2 me in so many ways, i trust no man till today and have been 2 theraphy….i am still single
nyc article gal, thank u
Savanah Dry on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 11:10 am
Walks in Hugs Biskiti …you are a man and a half* goes back to silent blogging..
Lela on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 11:17 am
This was my story until I found Jesus,still not there yet but one step at a time.
Mapakisha on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 11:36 am
I never knew my dad @ all & because my mother was also not really there when i was growing up, my gran had become my parents. I never really had daddy issues until my mother moved back home when her marriage failed. She had kind of made my sibling in touch with her father by suing for maintance & having her go for frequent visits to him & such. That made me wonder why I wasn’t being involved in all this & when I would ask I’d get one of those answers parents give kids.
I met my father when I was 20, he was drunk & didn’t look like half I’d have liked my dad to look like. My mother wanted wanted money from the dad’s family(that’s y she introduced me to them). He died a year later & even though the family had tried to stay in touch, my mother had stopped all contact between me & them saying “they did nothing for me”. I really do not have daddy issues/maybe I think I don’t. I was born out of wedlock & my dad moved on just like the mother did.
My mistrust for men comes from personal experiences with the many I have encountered. It has nothing to do with my father as he was never part of my life:0
khululeka on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 12:19 pm
I met my dad once in my entire existence. Bt the women who raised me taught me from a young age they are there for me. Not that I do not miss having a father-figure in my life, coz ooonce in a while I do. My insecurities come from the hurt and pain I’ve endured throughout my love life and observations (not that I havnt hurt people). This piece I can identify with, ‘good’ man came along and I just cldn’t help being suspicious (with good reasons) and thinking I’m being played again or I’m an option and he will leave once done with me. And I have a belief that a good man will stick around and try and ease your insecurities somehow by Showing you he isn’t like the others, not preach to me he isn’t the same as other men and when you need him emotionally, he isn’t there. I havnt spoken 2 my bf since last tues after a mini fight about a gal ‘friend’.I do believe there are perfect man out there, but they havn’t crossed my path yet *sigh* but we still live in faith.
sushi on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 12:27 pm
afternoon jc world…
dont know where my first comment went but yah…
firstly just like to point out how i like hate it when a girl uses excuses like ‘my dad was never around and that is why i have four kids at 20, i looked for love in the wrong places’…why cant we use the bad experiences to push us to do good?!
moving right along, i share with you in this, my dad left too, and because of that i fear getting attached to men…never been much of a fan of relationships, but when i finally decided to give in tjo got burnt but damn im over that now, i guess at the end its about being comfortable and loving you…one of the best advice my mom gave me during the course of the healing was to try and never let what my dad had did stop me from grabbing my happiness, i must try and let go and not be so hardcore just because im afraid of getting hurt…but for now im just doing me and damn it feels good, i sleep better at night, have gained my weight back lol and i just have this glow on my face…my high school teacher used to say pray for the man you want, so ill keep doing that, and as much as im terrified of falling inlove i still love love and willing to take that risk!…there will be happiness in the end!
crazyknowles on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 12:43 pm
Wow @MsTaboo what an honest painful article you wrote *wipes tears*
Well like many other people I never knew my father neither, he backed up and left when my mama told him he was pregnant with me. Mama never told me bout him and we never really talked bout it, I once asked her bout him as I was a child, curious and really didn’t understand. I remember just how she got all emotional on me nad told me that I didn’t need to know bout him since she’s doing a good job raising me, ever since that day I never asked bout him again and really hated her because I thought that she was keeping me away from ma daddy. 20 years later she then tells me the truth bout him and I then knew the reason why it was so hard for her to tell me back then, I hated him even more because I spent all those years hatin on my mama for nothing, pity I cant express my anger to him since he’s passed on.
I also had trust issues but I decided to let it go, no man is worth gaining victory over my power. I have a Father who is Jehova Jirah my provider, for He said in his words that He is the Father to the Fatherless and He will not leave you nor forsake you. I guees what im triying to say to you and every one alse is LET IT GO!! Dont talk or persuade another person into staying. Don’t worry about the people in your past there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future, but most importantly is BECAUSE THEIR PART IN YOUR STORY HAS ENDED!!
GA on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 1:11 pm
Well what I hate @Sushi is when people assume that because we went through similar circumstances (daddy left), we must respond similarly. Concider that what made u take the positive out of ur experience is the fact that your mother gave that sound advice and that’s what separates u from someone whose dad left who ddnt have the council you had, someone who probably went through compounding worse things after what’s. I appeal, that if you come across someone who has being broke apart by the daddy leaving and maybe worse, try to empathise and maybe share with them the good council your mom gave you instead of giving them ‘get over yourself’ reaction.
Biskiti on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 1:24 pm
Thank you Savanah Dry
GA on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 1:49 pm
Thanx for sharing MsTaboo…
Like many, my father also bounced. Or rather, my parents separated. Provinces apart, he did not try hard enough to see us, and after what he did to my mom my granddad and uncles wouldn’t let him near her and so us.
But with my granddad and uncles’ presence we had enough father figures. When they passed away I had come to know God as my dad and he more than compensated. So my fathers absence did not affect me overtly or directly. Although I did have a tendency to crush on guys that sorta look like him, but because that meant ‘red eyes’ guys meaning they could be smokers or drinkers I know to stay away plus my mom would have a heart attack if I brought home my dad lookalike, the scruffy hair though I’m struggling to let go off. So if anything, the effect has been superficial. My heart/spirit/concious has known the Love and omnipresence of the Lord for as long as I can remember and I appreciate that increasingly as I grow, spiritually and otherwise.
And I don’t have boys experience but one and I have not been hurt and I guess one could say besides the superficial, the absent father experience plus more, taught me to run when I smell a rat and not wait to get hurt. Even now, I’m not invested to death in my relationship.
But the absent fathers issue in south africa realy needs attention. We need a national campaign. I remember a group of my non south african (africans) acquaintances saying since they came to SA they are shocked by the people they met here who casually say ‘ I dunno my father’ or ‘ my father left us’ etc like its a norm. On that campaign note, I’m very happy about the WC papgeld defaulters campaign, they must be exposed!!
Anyhow: Bless the fathers that ‘never leave, not by choice’ and those who have being hurt and broken, holla at the Porter. He restores all kinds of wounds.
DrDee on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 1:58 pm
@biskiti,I break that generational curse in the mighty name of Jesus.May you be free from it forever,Amen.To @lela and all the others,our God is a God of love just have faith.He will send each one of you the right man to suit ur needs.There are good men out there and God is good all the time.Don’t give up.
skinnybiatch on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 2:07 pm
when I meet someone I.
have an endless list of excuses as to why it won’t work and I’m always proved right. ««« Dat rite De Is Me WOW
sushi on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 2:10 pm
@GA i hear you but as i said that advice was given in the course of the healing after my break up, it was never something i grew up with, never the counsil given for daddy leaving, i never expect us to react in similar ways but i was just pointing out is how i very much dont like it when we use our circumstance to justify making bad choices in life, i mean someone having four kids at 20 with a married man perhaps, arent you putting your kids through the same thing again…
BlindFold on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 2:24 pm
Bless the fathers who despite the fact that they are no longer together with the mother they are there for their children, can i also make a plea to my sisters that we do not punish babby daddies by not allowing them to see their children when they want to. He might have not given you enough money but the impact it has on a child by the father not being there is reallt huge and sometimes damaging.
mysista on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 2:34 pm
My mom left my dad when I was four, she moved us to a defferent province!
I know that, that one action of her leaving him and never going back to him was the singularly luckiest chapter in our family history!
dad remarried had other kids, when we went back to the Eastern Cape to lay his body to rest(he was shot for slepping with a married woman , by the womans husband) I seriously felt nothing, I could not relate to the corpse in the caskett who looked so much like me!
And strangely enough, I do not have daddy issues, my mom when she left him left a very wealthy man, my dad had thriving businesses, she was a pampered wife who got all the material possession she could ask for! She never needed for anything, the only thing my dad denied my mother was fidelity!
My mom says my dad loved females pediod, He loved every type of female, from schoolgirl to Priest’s wife to store worker to anyone in between, my mom says it became so that she did not have any friends cause my dad would seduce them & cause he had money he would get them. she says he would be so disrespecful that he would let some be driven in his cars by people who worked for him.
By leaving the mess my mom taught me a valuable lesson that as hard ias it is, if you love yourself enough you can leave a wealthy , comfortable marriage , with all the external trappings of succsess And go find inner peace.
My taught me that I have to be the most important person in my life! I love my mom!
GA on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 2:35 pm
@Sushi…. The problem is when one perpetually blames past circumstances for mistakes they keep doing over and over. But when seeking out solution, whether 2 or 20 yrs later, its wise to acknowledge the root of the problem. But in both cases, if the root was tragic, I personally tend to empathize endlessly. I’m a sucker for punishment I guess coz then a person becomes a burden forever (first as a legitimate victim and eventually a voluntary victim). I hear you tho sisi….
Wild Island on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 2:42 pm
hei..fathers ne….mina my dad left my mom ka1989 i was in std1 i think and so far i have 13 siblings ne but my mom was there for ur throught out naye ubaba has been playing his role but ke what i can mentioned ukuthi as i was daddy’s girl i suffered s much cos when ever ngfuna anything frm u ma she’d call me u my favourate athi iyakuye so to date my relationship no ma is not that motherly daughter u know and i swore i didnt want my nana to grow up without a father and go through wat i went thru manje cos lona umhlaba i am raising her by myself so hai sometimes impilo ayikho right..he remarried this year inviting us emshadweni nge sms tjo heeeee and the only time we get o meet abantwana abasha its when bafuna ukushada and have to trace their father lo okowam nabaningi angazi ngiwu namba bani khona lapgo mara kuma siy3…life guys life…will share mor ngsase bizi…yi summary le..its deep
Lela on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 2:49 pm
I thank God because I have that man DrDee,for the past five years I’ve learnt a lot about true love in this man who happens to be the best father to my gals. Believe me even this relationship had to suffer a lot from my daddy issues but bcz we both have Christ we are still standing.
Bee_Mo on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 4:08 pm
*heavy sigh*
Been summing up the courage to write this because what you all wrote brought tears to my eyes because i can relate to each and every story. Well mine is a bit hecticly confusing my parents divorced when i was 13[mum was a single parent to all three of us all through the marriage], father moved out and i[we] ddnt see him nor hear anything frm him even though he stayed 30min frm us for 4 years until he came back into my life when i ws 16 about to do my matric. Stayed until i was 21.. same cycle all over again its been 3 years now i a havent heard anything from him and yet we stay 30min apart and what i knw is i hear everyone saying forgive and let go? But how do u when the person who gave u life just brought u pain? I can say now i hate him, it hurts me so much that i cnt forgive him for everything he did to us, just last year he went driving past me and pretended to not see me.. Now tell me how does one even begin to forgive.
I see a pattern in the people i date i look for him in them, their structure his intellegence everything now am attracted to them and when i realise they simillar to him i run off. M so afraid of commitment that i constantly have that thing ya gore oh he willl leaave as well, there r better looking ladies y why me??
I dnt have a child and my prayer is that the father of my kid/s does not turn out to b what ny father was too me and my brothers. I love my niece but the thought of haviing my own child scares me so much because i dont wann go throught what my mother went through..
Sorry for a blog within a blog guys:-(
snapshot on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 4:45 pm
After what JG did yesterday im not sure if i should write especially after seeing that couple of people i know are here.
Okay i will write anywhere
I grew up with my mother, she was never married, apparently when they went to “ukubika umthwalo” my father said “angeke yena amithise iscwala”meaning he couldn’t have impregnated a disable person. I was born from the disable person, we stayed at home with my grandparents,uncles,aunts and their children. No body worked but we all shared on my mom’s disability grant which was 200. i don’t remember seeing her pregnant but we are 3 at home. at 24 i met my dad, i was at varsity at the time.I needed a mere 11000.He promised me heaven and earth,he told me he’s decided to come back and give me my inheritance before he died.following day he dissappeared.
3months ago i got a call from his sista that he’s seriously ill and asked that i be called, honestly i never felt any pain and i did not even call him,im a christian i have forgiven him bt i just don’t have anything to say to him. I completed my degree and now working, he’s been telling people that im not taking care of him now that im working. I must say that what he did has never affected me,maybe it did i don’t know,but i had a father figure and still have,my grandfather.
Most guys say i like intimidate them,im not sure if its part of being affected.
Lela on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 5:05 pm
Snapy don’t mind him angeke uloku uzistresa ngekhehla eligangayo,maseyekelukganga uzobuya yena azoba ubaba.
Pule on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 5:06 pm
Biskiti,your brutal honesty moved me to tears. A grown man crying!! Well done.
snapshot on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 5:16 pm
Lol @Lela kade ngamyeka mina anginamsebenzi naye to some it seems im angry at him but i know im not cos mangingambona i will smile and even buy him i coca-cola. I just thank God for everything,We always complain that life is not fair,but truth is,once you accept christ life becomess so easy cos he does everything for you
Kusihlwa on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 6:06 pm
Since its share your daddy issue day,what the hell. My mom and my dad split up when my mom was pregnant but they still remained frieds. Growing up I was a daddy’s girl, rebua kadi birthdays ko Spur, endless visits at boarding school and shopping. While I was doing STD 7 my dad told me that I had a 6year old sister in Mpumalanga,we went there and we spent time together and I discovered the joy of not bieng an only child. The following year he decided to get married to my step mother and I have not seen him since.
Tinky-winky on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 6:27 pm
I grew up with both parents and papa shem was abusive I ddnt know fathers love but I was raised by both of them…he was just a sillent but wen drunk the house wld be on fire…envied my peers who didn’t live with their paps bt had strong relationship with them..my moms has to be the strongest women to put up with the abuse..I promsed my self I wld never let a man lay a hand on me!! Before I dump him my big bros will beat the daylight out of the douchebag #joys of having big bros!
danny on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 6:50 pm
Well nna my dad is there but i don’t really feel like he is.firstly my mom died when i was 15 and then there was just me and him.we never talked about her,you know how as blacks we are just expected to move on after the funera,no counceling,nothing. My parents had already divorced when my mom died so it came as no surprise when he remarried when i was 17. Then he had a son when i was 18 with the new wife. I no its nt really related to the article but after that i just felt like my father left,sure he is there for me financially,he is paying fr my studies and everything but i just felt like frm the moment he had a son he forgot about me his daughter. I moved out from home and went to stay with my grand ma and he never tried to stop me he just said as long as i am happy there,and he still financially supports me. I hate what this whole thing is doing to my relatioship with my half brother cos it makes me sort of resent him. And my grandma is getting old to an extend where i find myself crying thinking i will be so alone if she too were to pass on.*crying* just needed to say this to someone
YolandaMeslane on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 10:14 pm
Interesting read hey, so many people can relate to this. In the part about good guys, I might not be a good girl but I found a good guy
soulwoman on Wed, 7th Sep 2011 10:53 pm
Inzima ilife!
Poshla on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 5:46 am
My father passed when I was five in December, my mom just gave birth to my brother in September, (after me & my younger sis) he always wanted a boy. Because I was still young I have just one memory of him and thanks @Ms Taboo for this lesson ‘he never chose to leave.’
You know what-I have never cried for losing my father until now, but I always felt pain for my mom.
Mapakisha on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 7:56 am
Shame man @ Danny…
crazyknowles on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 8:45 am
@Danny shame man, I really feel for u. well u are not alone hey.. God knows your heart and your desires, he will not He will not stand by and watch you fall into the wolfs cage, He will see you through. Just believe and hold on!!
Lela on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 8:50 am
You will be fine Danny yhazi,just seek solace in God,He is a father to the fatherless. The stories I read here make me realise the importance of loving your children and showing them. No amount of money can love your children for you.
danny on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 9:01 am
Thanks guys yeah I will be fine
mish on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 9:06 am
My mother passed on when I was eight. She left me with my gran. My father went on to stay permanently with another woman and would visit sparingly – also supporting financially sparingly until he lost his job. He also passed on when I was 15 and I say “HE CHOSE TO LEAVE” because he drank himself to death. I’ve been in relationships, looking for love but there are two instances that stand out for me that make me realize that men actually “DO CHOSE TO LEAVE WOMEN” I was involved with this guy and all was fine until I was raped. He couldn’t bear the thought of a raped woman and as much as he was supportive “HE CHOSE TO LEAVE” With time the wound healed and I met yet another guy – and God knows that I never thought to this day that he would leave me also. We were so close and I shared everything with him and the rape ordeal. He hugged me and re-assured me that “HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME” The relationship was fine and he was all I could have asked for in a man but ja! The big day came – he also chose to leave me for another woman. The pain of not having him was just unbearable and I couldn’t keep myself together and resorted to alcohol after this particular break-up. Am still very much single and at this point in time fighting the devil that is alcohol. Been to AA, go to church, pray about it but nothing seems to help. I’ve reached a point where I don’t care about being in a relationship because there is one thing certain – they will leave me. *crying uncontrollable*
Polly on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 9:21 am
Aaaaaw Mish, i’m sending you a long warm hug. You are in my prayers *teary*
kimmo on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 9:33 am
@mish, keep on praying dear dont lose hope “very tight hug”
Mapakisha on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 9:37 am
@mish, i know exactly what you’re going through & as hard as it may seem now, just know that God is watching & will help you through all this. Jus trust in Him & take it a day @ a time, it’ll all be alright someday.*sigh:(*
Koeks on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 10:24 am
Morning all…WOW I must say we might not know each other but our situations are almost similar…iLIFE ke leyo..
In my case both Mom and Dad were not present. My day left my mom when I was almost 5 and my brother 10. We stayed with my mom for about 6months until my
Dad dropped a bomb on my mom. I was told people came to deliver divorce papers on my mom’s door and also she was served with papers saying that the house has been sold by my dad and he’s got full custody of the kids(me and my brother). My mom left the house and went back to her parent’s house. But unfortunately for her it was too much she started to drink. Well me and my brother, dad took us to stay with his mom (my grandma) and 6 other cousins. He dumped us there and never heard from him until we got an invitation to his wedding with another woman. Grandma died when I was 10, me and my brother and cousins were left alone to take care of ourselves without an elder person. What really broke my heart was that Dad lived 15mnts away from us with his wife and the woman’s 2 daughters from her previous marriage. Life got so bad that when we didn’t have food to eat, we would walk to my dad’s house and ask for food and this woman would give us food that was already off (rotten), she would pour them in a big container so that we can all dig in me, my brother and cousins when we got home. What made me furious was that sometimes we’d go there and find my dad when we ask him for food or money for school he would tell us to go and ask step mom for it and when we ask her she would just say they don’t have money. I would get really angry at my dad that he knows nobody is taking care of us since my grandma passed away and he can hardly take care of us but he takes care of those two other kids that are not his. My mom continued with being a strong alcoholic,everytime I saw her she was drunk and would just point at us and told people that we’re her kids. Fortunately enough when I was 12 My Aunt from my mom’s family (uMamkhulu) took me and my brother adopted us officially as her kids. My parents didn’t mind they both came to court to sign us off to my Aunt. Life was 110% better we got everything that a child needed, went to best schools and even went to varsity. After I graduated and got a job my Dad started getting sick, My step mom would call me and ask for money for
Medication and sometimes asks to drive my dad to hospital. I did all that despite everything that I went through as a child. In 2009 my dad passed away and my step mom again asked me to take care of the funeral as they don’t have enough money, I arranged everything for my dad’s funeral. I was forever angry at life asking myself why me and why did God give me such unloving parents, until one day I realized that my Aunt was the parent I needed in my life and she raised me and loved me enough. I didn’t have anymore hatred towards my parents and still don’t. lm living a very peaceful life, God bless my Aunt I love her to bits. I still see my mom she has reduce her drinking but I cant bring myself to say that she’s my mother, if I speak to her I just take her as one of my relatives.
Sorry for a long blog within a blog
dejane on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 10:58 am
Morning all. Still no new posts?
Well na my parents split in 1998. Was devastated. Was in grd two at the time. I recall going with my mom to my dads house to fetch her belongings, and his girlfriend had already moved in. When we walked into the kitchen she was there washing the dishes. That’s when it hit me, that’s when I knew that their marriage was over. I never bothered to ask why things were as they were. What’s sad that situation deprived me of a relationship with my dad. I’d visit him occasionally but my ‘stepmom’ was always there. Before his passing, I remember wanting to visit, but I think he and his girlfriend were having problems, because I couldn’t visit him. He’d tell me now is not the right time.. Maybe she (girlfriend) didn’t want me around.
Think the last time I saw him was when he fetched me hospital. In April 2001, remember watching the derby ya Pirates vs Chiefs, he was a die hard pirates fan. Next we saw bodies being dragged onto the pitch after a stampede had ensued. little did I know that my dad was one the 43 that died that day.
My story isn’t hectic as the others I’ve read. But I was denied a relationship with him. Maybe he didn’t try harder to see me, maybe he was too caught up and excited about his new baby. But before he went to the stadium on that night he came to my grans to see me, and I wasn’t there. That would’ve been the last day I saw him.
I wish we could all heal from these experiences and life lessons.
thash on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 11:00 am
Hi all @jc I’ve been a silent blogger like for ever but 4 this one I had to come out,my bio father left my mom when I was 2yrs they were never married and were both very young I was raised by my grans when I was 5 my mom met a wonderful man whom Im very proud even today to call my dad they got married and I had a brother the love that man gave me I never ever for a moment thought that he was not my father even though I knew, after 16 yrs my parents went their separate ways but Im still in contact with him even though he is in Transkei and Im in PE but he is always just a phone call away, so good men do exist.
Biskiti on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 11:08 am
True that Mapaks! Mish your breakthrough is coming, just trust in the Lord, He will heal you! Remember that Joy is your portion, regardless of your circumstances.
Ei Pule, ke life neh. We can only choose how we respond to it. And luckily not everything in life is doom & gloom.
crazyknowles on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 11:11 am
@Mish, yoh *criying hard* dont know what to say but just tear apart and feel guilty. I used the “I was raped” to get rid of my man thinking that he would up and leave but to my suprise he stayed, 3 years now and we still growing strong.. Just want you to know that you are not alone, God is really looking upon you and one day you will have your breakthrough *criying*
@Koeks wow, what a testimony.. shows that God lets the storm and the thunders rage and then smooths the water, then calms His child. You really have a big heart, you the better person and therefore God will continue to bless you aboundantly!!
KewlGal on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 11:28 am
God heal Afrika and her children…
I’ve realised that we all have some heavy ish deep down our hearts, i pray tht God helps us really, we need a lot of healing we’ve been through a lot of shit emotional and physically of course, but i think the emotional damage is the one which is more dangerous, cos we can easly pass it on to the next generation without us even realising that.
I really hope we can be strong enough to be able to take the bad ish out of our lives but learn from it and take to good we’ve learnt and use it for our growth. Indeed the expiriences we’ve been through in our lives shape the kind of people that we are.
I’m a 30 something old woman but my father just recently cheated on my mom, i recently started speakin to my dad again, and its been my mom whose been worried abt me not speaking to him, and i felt its actually hurting her more cos i think she feels like her family is falling apart, my dad apologised to us and to her sayin it wont happen again wara wara tomato tamati.. this is someone who has many other children outside of marriage while still married to my mom.. its heart breaking you know, but I thank God b’cos still i am able to give love in the midst of all this that’s going on in my life, i’ve been inlove with my man for 4 and half years now and we’re still goin strong.
its not easy though, I think we all need to each find our voices tht speak the truth to us and decide what to take and what to leave from our expiriences and do it for ourselves not the next person.
Thanks Mryna thought provoking piece…
mish on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 11:29 am
Thank you so much family for the love, appreciate. I’m gonna pray hard that at least today I don’t go via the shops to buy myself some more drink. I always tell myself that I will not drink in the afternoon and I get tempted when I pass past the complex that sells alcohol on my way back from work. Eish!
Lela on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 11:31 am
Tjo and I thought some things only happen on Khumbulekhaya!
Biskiti on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 11:32 am
Hei #Koeks, it’s hectic neh. What matters ke go re you found peace and that you are living a fruitful life. Again the irony is that you went back to help-out when your dad + step mom couldn’t cope anymore. You even burried your father.
#Dejane we have no coice but to heal otherwise the vicious cycle continues. #Thash, i pray that most kids find solutions like you did, at least it wasn’t too bad.
One thing that i’ve realised is that we think we are the only people going through tough times at times kanti our very own friends are carrying their own burdens. And i’m glad for platforms like mo JC where we can share our experiences.
Savanah Dry on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 11:49 am
Wow your guys stories i have no daddy issues as i grew up with both parents who are are still together….
But your stories made me realise i am not wrong to be a 33 year old woman without kids …people look at me and make me feel bad for not having any kids but i told myself i was never going to have any kids until i was married to someone i know would stick around ..i dnt want to bring into this world a child who would forever be haunted ….and yes i know some do try to make marriage work but it fails ….and the kids still suffer..
sweetie on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 11:54 am
@koeks and others with similar stories all i can say is shooo!!,wat a life!
i grew up without my dad but i belive i grew to be a stronger person
kimmo on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 11:56 am
YHOOOO, you know sometimes we moan about really petty things and they are people with real problems out there.
dejane on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 12:04 pm
@Savanna I had the same plan as you. I had vowed to myself to not have a child out of wedlock, but when the time came to live on my word, I didn’t and had a kid at 22. I’m a single parent today.
Think the most important thing we can all learn from this is to become better parents to our own children. Yes its great to have kids grow up in a household with both parents present and both parents living together. But having a kid out of wedlock is no train smash. I thought I’d never cope, but I looked at other kids that were brought up by single parents, and they’re just as fine. My mom brought me up alone. I’d ask my dad for something and at times he’d never deliver. He had to pay maintenance ya R250 mara there were days he wouldn’t pay it. Or he’d bring it ka di half half. Remember asking him for sneakers, and he asked my mom to buy em coz he didn’t have cash. They were both teachers. Mara mom made sure I never went to bed hungry. She always made a plan. So you can do it on your own. But its always better to have support from your spouse.
Lustagp on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 12:21 pm
i am too weak to be in this article, i have been avoiding to even read its context as it brings back bad childhood memories, yha but life goes on…just give love and focus on your success bloggers!!
Koeks on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 12:29 pm
Thnx all…Thnx ms Taboo for this platform.
@savanna I used to think like you as well. I vowed that I will never bring a child in this world so that he/she can suffer the way I did.But all that has changed,I realised that the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.Although Im 30 & dont have a child yet but I so wish God would bless me with one right now with or without a father so that I can give all the love,security & protection they need.I want to be a super mom to my kids.I wont let my past limit my chances of doing a greater job than my parents.I refuse….
manny on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 12:35 pm
Yo hai
KewlGal on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 12:40 pm
@Koeks u’r just like me, i want babies like its not funny & i want to give them all the love i can give…
Savanah Dry on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 12:47 pm
@ Dejane and Koeks sometimes yah i do want a child…i met a realy good guy a friend and he is such a perfect father to his daughter… he wants another child because we get along so well as friends we have agreed if at 35 i still dnt have a man we will have one together …lol sounds crazy but i know he will be a good dad..
Nomaha on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 12:48 pm
OOh! Bathong your stories dragged me out of silentville. *Thank God for waterproof mascara*
Wild Island on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 1:05 pm
oooh koeks..what happend ngama cousins wakho?
@mish…modimo oteng babes…
kaofela lona bautlwileng bohloko one way or the other..pls remember modimo oteng and we must take care of our kids hle more than our parents ever did morona…(((((((((GROUP HUG)))))
LOVE U LOTS BY ME OK GUYS….
Mapakisha on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 1:27 pm
@Savana, i also had convinced myself hore I don’t want kids @ all. I mean, this world is so cruel & as much as we’d like to tell ourself that we’ll be different from our parents who’s to say our kids won’t find us to be the same monsters that some parents were to their kids without even realising it. Sometimes I think to myself, what if something bad happens to my child & she/he is unable to speak to me about it(if the father’s not there). Wil that then be a way of showing that i’m just like my parents? I’m scared for the child even though they’re not here yet(not even in plans)
I have since changed my mind though, i would really like to have a son someday & if it does happen, I hope to be a very good parent to my child. For now, ke tla ema.
kimmo on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 1:27 pm
LOL @nomaha!!
hi wildy… am drained maybe that why i was avoiding this blog yesterday, why did i read it today heeee??
Koeks on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 1:27 pm
@WI My cousins remained @ my gran’s house and abo babomcane & aunts would come 1 monthend balethe i grocery even though it was not enough.So as poverty struck they ended up resorting to teen pregnancy so that atlest the boyfriends bazo bheja.I was the youngest out of all of my cousins we were(5 girls & 3 boys incl my brother )but today half of us turned out ok and the others are surving.
Lela on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 1:42 pm
Hayi bethunana fatherhood has nothing to do with whether it is out of wedlock of nee and I’m ot saying this because I have two kids by differend fathers out of wedlock.
Both my baby daddies are very much involved in my daughters’ lives together with their families and my kids get all the love especially the one who’s dad is not my boyfriend because she now has two dads who love her to bits my boyfriend and her dad. I’m blessed because even the step mom loves her to bits and is very involved in her life.
On the other hand my mom had both her kids in marriage and got divorced after 20 years of marriage and I was 5 years at the time and believe me it had a great impact in my life because I never got to see my dad again until a year before he died. When I had my first child the only thing I ever prayed for was for the man to be a great father to my child as I didn’t want her to go through the same ish as me and God granted me that prayer.
With that said haing kids in marriage is the ideal way, it is God’s way and it is a good decision but it is no guarantee for anything.
Sugarfoot on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 1:45 pm
It’s amazing how in this country so many of us share a similar story.
My dad left my mom when I was 2 my older bothers were 10 and 12. Before meeting my mom my dad had a wife who had passed on who had 7 kids. When he left my mom he left her for a younger woman who was the same age as his first born from his first wife and married this younger woman, put her through teaching college and gave her the best life. He forgot me, my brothers and even those children from his first wife… I remember being in primary school when I was about 8 or 9, my school shoes were cracked underneath and when it rained my socks would be soaked and my feet soaked to the bone and my mom couldn’t afford to buy me new ones. I eventually convinced my mom to take me to my dad so that I could ask him for money for school shoes. We got there and he said he didn’t have money, he didn’t even give us R20 for transport to get home. That day I realised that this man trully didn’t care about us and i took the decision to never ever ask him for anything and to cut him out of my life (though he never was a part of my life before then). He never contributded to raising us and he was never bothered to try and see us.. Fast forward 11 years later when I was 20 and my oldest brother wants to meet our dad (my brothers didn’t even know what he looked like cos they grew up with my maternal gran). We went all the way to Giyani just to find him sick, living alone because his wife who’s now a teacher making money had left him. I remember feeling so much anger towards him cos he left my mother who would’ve cared for him and who loved him dearly. It’s now 3 years since reuniting and I’ve sort of learnt to forgive him. He phones sometimes asking for money and me and brothers send him money when we can, but we still don’t have a relationship with him. I still don’t get how he forgot about his 10 other kids and focused on his new wife and the 2 kids he had with her. As a result he doesn’t really have a relationship with his kids from the first wife and me and my brothers
Him leaving us has affected me, as I do believe that every man who comes into my life will eventually leave so after a few months I tend to push them away. I know that I deserve to be loved and that one day I will find a man who will love me and won’t leave me but I’m still insecure. I hope that one day God will give me the strength to get over these daddy issues.
*teary eyed*
Nomaha on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 1:48 pm
These comments are too deep bantu. This article is God’s way of showing us that we are more similar than we think and at some point in our lives we have each came across heartache.
Like most of you, I also lost my dad when I was about to turn 10. 22 January 1995 was the date. How I will never forget my mom’s scream’s with her newly permed hair only to be chiskoped 4 days later. I do not talk about my father to anyone, I just believe that someday he would come back and say “Maya I’m back” and God knows I will not ask him where he has been for the past 16 years but I’ll treat him as if I’d last saw him yesterday.
And until such time come I hold dear this memory: he was coming from work and I had my sister on my back, we ran towards him. He picked up my little sister kissed her and kissed me as well. I was 8 adn I was so embarassed that I looked around for my friends and prayed they hadnt seen my father kissed. Little did I know that 16 years later I would do anything just to have that kiss back in a crowd full of people.
I guess we all deal with grievances differently and I have not dealt with mine instead I keep telling my self that my dad is going to come back. Maybe thats why I dont talk about him much because I dont want people to tell me I need to move on. I cant or I dont want to but my ideas make me sleep better at night and ease the pain incredible.
You guys are strong and some of you have forgiving hearts. God be with us all.
Twitter on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 2:07 pm
Afternoon All – Will comment later on..*teary*
GA on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 2:32 pm
Sobering staff.
I pray for my lil brothers all the time. That God may be the father they all never had and more. That He will inspire them to be better men. I pray and encourage them to have a personal relationship with Him, to learn to be in fellowship with him so that the inspiration can happen. Where they cannot see or hear Gods council I pray that God can raise people, especially men, who lead by praiseworthy lives to be examples to them (someone said sometimes God loves and teaches us via proxy, loved this).
One of the initiatives I love at church is this ‘BroDa Camp’ that they do yearly, where men in the church, take the young men from toddler boys and up and they ho camping and hiking, learning, etc…I dunno what happens there but the concept is beautiful, it touches my heart. We have a lot of seminars and what nots that teach women and girls how to be virtuous, conferences were women and girls are taught about Gods’ love for them, restoration, healing etc….yet there aren’t many such events for guys. And our brothers are broken as well, they need to be taught how to be good men because their fathers leave them with no good models and then they repeat the cycle. A very pragmatic solution is required.
*continues to pray for the young men and big men in SA….and healing for those who have been broken..*…the devil is such a lier.
Lela on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 2:49 pm
True GA!
thash on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 3:40 pm
My story continues,after my bio dad left my mom he married her best friend and had 2 girls with her and that marriage did not last and now he wants me to have a relationship with him and his kids but I feel nothing for them I never had a sister its always been me and my brother and Im fine with that.Sometimes I feel sorry for his kids coz they also want to get to know their big sister, but I fell no bond with them @ all, Am I being selfish?
Mapakisha on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 4:08 pm
@thash, i don’t see u as selfish @ all. I get where you’re coming from, i mean just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to now play happy family. But I think you should give them a chance though, it’s not their fault that things turned out the way they did. Don’t punish his kids for what your dad did to your family, rather embrace them, you might actually like them. I say give them a chance, if it doesn’t work out then you’ll know you tried.*my14cworth*
thash on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 4:29 pm
@ mapakisha thats exactly what pisses me off is the fact that he wants us now to be a happy family I dont wanna b a part of his family I have my family and he hasnt been part of it for all my life, but I will give the girls a chance, I have nothing to lose.
faith on Thu, 8th Sep 2011 4:53 pm
You know just reading your stories I realize that I had did it very easy, my parents were separated by death and we never had to deal with the issue of having other siblings from a different woman that we don’t know. I just love the genius that is God for he brought us together on this platform to give us hope and show us that this too shall pass and that as much as you think you have it bad there are people out there who are in worse situations compared to yours.
Nthoentle on Fri, 9th Sep 2011 12:23 am
Heavy, heavy, heavy!!! My husband and I grew up with both parents-Lord I thank u. Wow, never realised what having an absent father can do to a person, I almost feel guilty for my upbringing and my super dad. Tjoo *hugs to everyone in pain*. This is sooo heavy, I’m not tryna be funny but nna I thought some of these things only happened on tv *sob sob*. Tjooo guys I am speechless, SPEECHLESS!!!! How can people be so cruel to THEIR OWN?!
Nthoentle on Fri, 9th Sep 2011 12:25 am
While people were worried about real things in primary/high school I was worried about new clothes for civvies day, doing my hair every week. I actually feel so guilty guys
, nkare nka lla stru, pelo yaka e bohloko beyond
Nthoentle on Fri, 9th Sep 2011 12:27 am
I love u all guys!
crazyknowles on Fri, 9th Sep 2011 8:49 am
@Nthoentle you don’t have to feel bad or guilty but embrace the unconditional love for your dad and thank the almighty for blessing you.. thank you for you kind words, you really have a good heart.
*love you too and huggie* may God continue to bless you..
MissT@T on Sat, 10th Sep 2011 4:30 pm
Sobs…
darkchoc on Mon, 12th Sep 2011 3:27 pm
Tjo.. I can really relate to your story.. My dad also passed away when I was 8, I was really close to him(was his little angel) and throughout all these years what’s comforted me the most is that he was always there for me and NEVER chose to leave. I have trust issues cause all the men in my life dont hang around, sad really, but Im also still hopeful. I know there are plenty of good men out there, I have decided to remain single until I get over my trust issues, I dont think its fair on the other person in the relationship
#hugs Koeks, thank God for your Aunt- she is a remarkable woman
#hugs Biskit, good for you for choosing not to be your father’s son
darkchoc on Mon, 12th Sep 2011 3:29 pm
@Nthoentle, dont feel guilty..just happy that you were one of the lucky and blessed one
darkchoc on Mon, 12th Sep 2011 3:39 pm
@Nomaha…#teary..
Im sorry for your loss..true, I now realise that there are people who went through similar life experiences as me*sigh* I was also like you initially(and when I say initially I mean up until my late teens), thought one day I would wake up and we’d be in Mpumalanga and all this(my dad’s passing) would’ve been a dream, that I’d wake up being 8 again and my dad would be there, giving me a kiss telling me it was just a nightmare..#tearsactuallystreaming. May God be with you and help you deal and accept.
I thank God for my mother, who through all this has been a pillar of strength
MissAN on Mon, 12th Sep 2011 3:40 pm
All I have to say “I remember mama in a happy way’ ala Shirley Ceaser…
Eish guys,sibuya kude sonke… let us never give in or give up,always do our best for our kids and future kids…
Sugarfoot,what a befitting username and broken shoes…
Roxy Babe on Thu, 15th Sep 2011 10:28 am
Hey Myrna
This article is exceptionally good! It left tears in my eyes! You really had the courage to let it all out. Thumbs up girl! Do NOT give up, the beginning is always the hardest. The happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything!
*Kisses*