Beyonce’s Diary

January 27, 2012 by  

Pages from Beyonce’s lost Diary.

(Secrets Of The ILLUMINATI)

A very good friend of mine in the ILLUMINATI (I cant reveal names or everyone who reads this would have to be killed). Well during a visit at the Knowles-Carter house to go see their new born; :”Poison Ivy” for the first time, my friend came across some of Beyonce’s old diaries.

At the risk of being sued I have decided to leak some of the excerpts from the Diary.

This is very damning material and am putting my life at risk, but I will be a martyr for the truth. If this is the last piece I ever write; Please tell my mom that I left my will at the top right corner of the ceiling in my bedroom.

Read At Your Own Risk:

20 June 2000

Dear Diary

Today when I woke up, I found LaToya and LaTavia eating my fried chicken, this is so not on. This is the second time this has happened. I went and told my daddy and he said he’ll do something about it.

21 June 2000

Dear Diary

*evil laugh* Daddy sorted LaToya and LaTavia out.

They are fiiiiireed and they don’t even know anything about it.

Right now we are shooting the video for “Jumpin’ Jumpin”, and have recruited to new girls.

I like Michelle she is very obedient like Kelly, when I say jump, she doesn’t even ask how high, I already see her aiming for the ceiling.

The other girl, Farah I am not so sure about her hey. She’s almost as light skinned as me. That could be a problem. I am supposed to be the only yellow bone in this mother but let’s see how it goes.

13 August 2000

Dear Diary

Mini-Me-Wanna-Be; Farah, sang my parts better than me during rehearsals. The nerve of that hood-rat hussy. I will not allow such to happen. I refuse, I asked daddy to sort her out.

1 October 2000

Dear Diary

Farah got her walking papers today, and I told daddy not to find another replacement. Kelly and Michelle will do ok as my back-up dancers and singers, and they are both dark-skinned. No way will they ever out-shine me and they both know never to eat my fried chicken, So we are all happy.

 

31 October 2000

Dear Diary

Oh My God!!! Oh My God!!! Oh My God!! I met the man of my dreams today. He looked at me and I just melted, He had me at hello but he was with someone else though, my acquaintance Aaliyah. She was hovering all over him like a love sick puppy.

I don’t know what wrong with that heffah and older men; First R.Kelly, now my Jay Z, cant she find guys her own age?

Diary when JAY LOOKED AT ME, he literally took my breath away. No like literally! His nose is so big he took up some of my oxygen. I have a thing for big noses, That’s why Barbara Streisand is my idol.

Diary I want JayZ!

1 December 2000

Dear Diary

Have I got good news for you! I have become very close with Aaliyah lately, and while we were hanging I saw on her pager that Jay’s best friend Damon Dash has been hitting on her so I anonymously paged JayZ about the situation.

All I know is that him and Aaliyah are no more and that hussy has already moved on to Damon Dash. What a trifling Ho but I still gotta pretend to be her friend because I need to use her to get closer to Jay.

11 January 2001

Dear Diary

I’m in love! Love!! Love!! Love!! Finally got my man. Jay and I are inseparable. He’s everything I have ever asked for, when I am with him I feel like I am Dangerously In love.

13 June 2001

Dear Diary

Its been over five months since Jay and I have been together, all is good but I caught him looking at a picture of Aaliyah the other day. And I have also seen the way she still looks at him. That bothers me.

Diary everything about Aaliyah is really starting to bother me. All of a sudden she’s the IT black girl in the industry. She’s doing all these movies; her songs are up on the charts, that worries me Diary.

I am supposed to be the Diana Ross of the next generation. There can only be one black top female per decade. I even hear that Whitney has asked her to play the lead in ‘Sparkle”. She is going to play Ms Ross!

Diary I am supposed to be the first one to play Ms Ross. Either in “Dream Girls” or “Sparkle”. That’s my role!! Aaliyah is just taking everything that’s mine, I cant have this.

I will have to speak to daddy about this.

26 August 2001

Dear Diary

Aaliyah died yesterday.

I LOVE MY DADDY ;-D

3 March 2002

I was on the Billboard website today and after all this time, after all my hard work this people are still calling TLC the best female group of all time. I can’t deal. TLC?? Non of them can sing like I do.

I will have to speak to daddy about this.

26 April 2002

Dear Diary

Left Eye died yesterday

I LOVE MY DADDY ;-D

25 June 2004

I am in the mother land. South Africa!!! Everything is so beautiful here, my only problem is that Oprah has been forgetting to use her under-arm deodorant and she keeps on wanting to hug me. I am starting to believe those rumors about her and Gayle. The other time when she hugged me, I swear she squeezed my left boob too hard.

Another thing that’s bothering me; There’s this girl with blond hair called Lebo- Something.

Diary I saw her do these dance moves called PANTSULA. Diary I was so jealous, I wished that I could dance like her. I wish I could perform like her and now they are asking me to duet with her. Diary she’s going to outshine me, I cant have that. I have agreed to the duet, but I have no plans for it happening.

I will have to speak to daddy.

31 May 2005

Dear Diary

I am shooting my dream movie, “Dream Girls” I have worked so hard for this role. I feel like this is finally my time. I am going to win an Oscar on this one. I am the most talented out of these amateurs. This one is MINE!!!

16 August 2006

Dear Diary, I am not cracking this Pantsula dance thing. It’s been over two years and I AM JUST NOT CRACKING IT and that Lebo-something is supposed to be coming over soon to the states for our duet, and I’m afraid she is going to out-perform me.

Daddy really needs to do something fast.

24 October 2006

Dear diary Lebo Something died yesterday.

I LOVE MY DADDY ;-D

25 February 2007

Dear Diary

I AM SEETHING!! I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!! THAT FAT THING! THAT PIECE OF PIG THIGH Jennifer Hudson won an Oscar!!! This was supposed to be mine!!! This was supposed to be my night. I sat there watching her as she won. I wiped my tears while I smiled. Everyone thought I was crying tears of joy for Jennifer, but I was gutted! I wanted to run to the stage grab her wig and slam her against the podium.

Daddy will have to do something about this.

23 October 2007

Dear Diary

Daddy has made plans for Jennifer, I also just spoke to that heffah to make sure that she’s home tomorrow and she will definitely be home. Let the games begin ;-)

24 October 2007

Dear Diary

Jennifer’s family members were killed yesterday, Jennifer was not home at the time.

I really really don’t understand how this happened. I spoke to her last night and she insisted that she was gonna be home, I told her that I have a special delivery for her, that only she can sign for but she still was not home. It just goes to show what little respect that hussy has for me.

And Daddy is no longer focused on my business, he could have dealt with the “Jennifer Problem” so swiftly but I believe he is screwing one of my dancers, that’s why he is starting to lose focus. I’m very upset right now.

 

*To Be Continued*

Disclaimer:  This piece is purely satirical. It is not meant to be cited as a credible source of information.? This is not meant be fact, but is total fiction. If you catch feelings or feel offended. Sip some tea, relax, smile and a have very Happy New Year ahead ;-)

By Zamani Khethelo

@Za_Maniac

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Comments

39 Comments on "Beyonce’s Diary"

  1. vumaaa on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 1:48 am 

    Lord have Mercy on this Khethelo child.

    The way i was LOLing while reading this. Lol

    Great one Man lol and the last sentence?? “Sip some tea, relax, smile and a have very Happy New Year ahead” Brillante

  2. Thase on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 2:27 am 

    Lol, this is funny, couldnt stop laughing. Tjo cant miss the continuation. And good to have you back JC.
    Who won the best blog award in Dec??

  3. Philile_N on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 2:28 am 

    LMFAO!!!!!!! OH!!! MY!!! GOD!!! Kwaaaahaaahaaa!!!! Hawemuuurrrrr!!!!! LMFCFAO!!!

  4. crazydoll on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 7:12 am 

    Totally dead AND Cremated

  5. Apple Tart on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 7:14 am 

    Buuhaaaahahahaha…iv neva shem ,,TJO!!!..#Dead

  6. Mr_Dezzel on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 8:06 am 

    Lol this could be true…I don’t trust Americanos

  7. Sundani on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 8:07 am 

    LMAO!!!!!!#deadfordays#

  8. BlackBerry on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 8:24 am 

    Lovely read Zamani, enjoyed that! Kwaaaaaaaaaa @I LOVE MY DADDY ;-D

  9. lolo on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 8:42 am 

    Haybo u-Left Eye ushonile….Tjo nin vele?

    Ung’qedile shem Zamani!

  10. FunLover on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 8:48 am 

    Wow, love it! ROTFL!
    Good work Zam!

  11. manny on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 8:50 am 

    iyo -beyonce ke mmolayi
    kwakwakwakwakwak

  12. fixzo on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 8:51 am 

    HA HA HA, Zamani. I wish Beyonce’s dad was my dad, I can think of many people to eliminate. LOL, NICE READ

  13. Strolicious on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 9:05 am 

    LMAO…i enjoyed readind it

  14. Gwenzito on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 9:12 am 

    Kwakwakwakwa you made my friend!!! Nice enjoyed reading this article…

  15. Bongani on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 9:15 am 

    Dear Diary

    Please deal with Zamani

    Thank you DADDY

  16. Silvio on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 9:22 am 

    very creative, i say, very creative. lol

  17. siya on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 9:26 am 

    some good humor for a friday Morning, thanks Zamani kwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  18. Beautybaby on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 9:38 am 

    LMBAO!! Tjo u are indeed gifted with words. I am looking forward to the continuation. Wonder what Bey stans r gonna say!!

  19. GingerB on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 9:44 am 

    Lol, kelly n michelle r darker dan me,nd dat michelle is so obedient LOL! Hahahaha

    Dat Jennifer duznt respect me, Damn now I wish lady gaga was Black just 2 c wat wud happen!

    Hahahaha

  20. sexysiren on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 9:49 am 

    Eish the way I was getting scared jus reading dis,u wudnt believe,only to find that its fiction I laughed @ maself.
    Nice piece thanx,yu jus lifted ma spirit,was so down.

  21. SocietyG on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 9:54 am 

    I’m a Bey Stan even I find it funny.

    My favorite line……I love my DADDY! #Dirth

    Very creative….even Beyonce would laugh at this. Great work Zamani :)

  22. lebo V bolibe on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 10:14 am 

    Lol this is funny ei, sweet jst made my day. Watch though u myt die 2mrw lol.

  23. Cinnabon on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 10:15 am 

    ROTFLMAO!
    @Zamaniac…You have a very beautiful imagination…I’d like to share a padded cell with you.

    It’s so good to be home…Molweni zihlobo!

  24. Twitter on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 10:48 am 

    *slow death* tltltltltlt Yhu ndigqibele nini khendiyihleke kangaka… Yhuu thanks 4the good laugh Zamani!!! Hai ndigqitywa yile peace ka Aaliya shem!!!

  25. snapshot on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 10:48 am 

    wow Zamaniac i thot u joking when u hinted about this on twitter, u good boy u very good………big up to u

    if i managed to read this to the end it means only one thing, it is gudo

  26. myweapon on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 10:52 am 

    lol!! nicely written.

  27. manny on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 10:57 am 

    @bongani..u want DADDY to deal with Zamanai > sizafundani u daddy umesemthathile u Zmanai?

    mara daddy ke bozzzaaaaaaa…I want daddy to deal with @BISKITI

  28. bongi on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 11:03 am 

    ..@ my myweapon your avatar…its distracting me..

  29. Fab Tee on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 11:07 am 

    lol oh yini umenza iskhohlakali uBey!

  30. lolington kwaaa on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 11:10 am 

    LMAO *65

    This is hilarious!!!

    But @myweapon’s avatar though!! ha ha ha ha!!!!

  31. mama ka Gundi on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 11:24 am 

    kwaaaaaaaa! Wow ur creative Zamani ! hai nam ingisathembi mayb this fiction cud sumhow be true lol

    Baba ka Beyonce uyabulala nge doom him & ntate Moloi shud b buddies!

  32. blaque on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 12:02 pm 

    jonna, jonna ka shwa mme weeee, you guys should have a ‘leave’ now and then if you are gonna came back so reloaded. #I dont think the king B something will sip a tea and smile# creative boss.

  33. NarLady on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 12:39 pm 

    This is hilarious!!!

    Love it. Crazy ish – great imagination hey.

    Can’t wait for the “sequel” Ayeye!!!!!!!!

  34. zamcolo on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 3:25 pm 

    HAHAHAHA!!! Very funny!

  35. Makgotso on Fri, 27th Jan 2012 11:49 pm 

    Just when I thought this is real ha ha ha Zamani you mind is so imaginative if likhona elogama elinjalo, kwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa made my night

  36. SveegIsCurious on Sat, 28th Jan 2012 11:31 am 

    Lol mxm this is a joke *Walks away*

  37. kazisongo on Sat, 28th Jan 2012 6:50 pm 

    Kwaaaaaaaaa!!!Daily Sun would love DADDY

  38. Kadeeja B on Sun, 29th Jan 2012 7:38 am 

    Lol! Wow dis piece is creative,witty n hella of funny shem! Big ups to Zamani! I’ve read it abt 4times n it still makes me laugh!!! Good work luv it.

  39. G.lethu on Thu, 2nd Feb 2012 3:47 pm 

    kwaaa funny piece

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