Valentine’s Season As A Singleton
January 26, 2012 by Myrna Burgess
This past weekend, a friend surprised me with her intentions of wanting to hook me up with a friend of hers. It was with this that I realised that in the past year I have not been asked out on one single date. Not for ice-cream. Not for dinner. Nothing. Ku rough.
.
The strange thing however, is that the men I’ve met, or entertained conversations with of late, always find it hard to believe that I’m single. Not to gas myself up, but I am regularly complimented on my beauty, and as shy as such proclamations always makes me, it makes me smile and I appreciate it.
So of course, I talk to my best friend about this realisation, and his reply: “But you’re intimidating! Men are intimidated by pretty girls.” The disbelief that anyone would find me intimidating is almost incomprehensible, but a phrase I too have heard many times before and just chosen to ignore for lack of understanding and justification.
It was with this that I asked myself… Is that so much of a downfall that I will actually spend the rest of my life alone? That no man will step up because I intimidate the male specie so much? And how am I intimidating anyway? Since I’m THAT emotional person, I over-think and allow my mind to run miles away. I’ve played around with the idea of being a successful single businesswoman with no kids but having peaked on every career dream I have ever wished upon, but the thought of waking up 40 years old and alone is unappealing; depressing even. In that same breath, I’m not going to settle for less than what I want, and since I’m waiting on a gem to show up, I’m aware that I may have to wait a little longer to find what I’m looking for. There are too many options in this world to settle for less than what anyone wants or deserves.
Then there are moments like this one… There was an evening about three weeks ago where I slept over at my best friend’s place. I’d joined him, his girlfriend and their daughter for dinner, and shortly after we got home, the three of them went to sleep. As I found myself comfortable, feet up on the couch, music playing in the background, and my thoughts on cloud nine, it hit me at that very moment that he was sharing his bed with his own little family, and I was laying alone on a couch bumping beats. And the loneliness kicked in.
Now don’t get me wrong, this is the life I chose. A life where my priorities revolve around my career and the clear plan I’ve had for myself since I was a little girl. Yeah I’ve two-stepped along the path, twirled with my arms stretched like a ballerina on occasion, but nonetheless found something that makes me incredibly happy, and fulfils my very being on the daily. I have had to sacrifice the intimacy of a relationship because no one either understood the nature of my work, or was interested in me for all the wrong reasons. This is common in an industry sparkling with bright flashy lights.
Let it also be noted that this decision is not filled with regret. In fact, it’s far from it, it just has its downfall sometimes…
And then I look at my friends, all who are in long-term relationships; some with other people and some with themselves. Some happy while others are holding on. One couple who are married is about to welcome their first baby into the world, another one of my boys is getting married in March. I have friends who are single too, one sharing her life with a friend with benefits, another taking some time out to recoup after a break-up.
Another friend has been dating her boyfriend for more than 10 years, but yet there are no wedding plans on the cards. I had a conversation with her this past weekend. I said that although he may not be in the space to make that lifetime commitment, he was fully present in their current relationship, and they are genuinely happy. To her, it’s the ring and wedding that will be validation to the 10-odd years she’s stood by his side. In essence that leaves them on different pages in their book. And although neither is wrong in this case, the truth is they’ll either have to compromise, or let it go. But here is a couple who don’t have to spend their time alone because they have each other, yet it doesn’t seem like enough. What happened to the days when love was everything?
Just before the end of 2011, I found out that the man I had been in love with for the last two years, the same one who broke my heart just three months before, was getting married, to someone else. And just like that it hit me like a heart attack… He was the love of my life; I just thought I was his too.
The thing that screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be. There’s no blueprint for how this love thing works. Most of the time I just think cupid is irresponsible. But as I get ready to spend this Valentines Day alone, I reflect on the fact that we all want something we don’t have, and the grass is always greener where you water it. No matter what scenario we find ourselves living, somewhere between heartaches and waiting, comes the chance to be found by someone who can show you that you don’t have to be just an option, but the only choice.
P.S. December 20, 2011: In one day, someone called me “beautiful”, another called me “a phenomenal young lady”, and someone else said I was a “brilliant writer”. That feeling I felt in my heart was all love. And love, is love.
By Myrna Burgess
Miss Thang on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 7:37 am
Baby and i dont celebate Vday!!!! whats the diff between J&B met and the DBN July?
RexonaABC on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 9:20 am
As a black African, i do not celebrate Valentines. Nice read miss Taboo.
snapshot on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 9:24 am
@Ms Taboo, i had even forgotten that there is Valentine…..here’s some love *ur a good writer*
@Miss Thang u’ve only been dating for 4months already u don’t celebrate Vday hai cha
anyway the first and last time i celebrated such was in high school, i didn’t have money so my rich friend brought me a white card to give to bf, i don’t even remember what it was written,
let me cross my fingers for something this year
snapshot on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 9:28 am
I think the issue with long term relationships is that, the parties especially the lady, relax too much thinking ive bagged him nakanjani uzongishada, long time relationship does not guarantee marriage, instead it can mean the opposite like what happened to @Ms Tabboo
In all i think Cupid is stupid and unfair, relationship are so difficult and cruel, one moment u think u know what u doing next u heading straight to the lion’s den.
@Ms Taboo i support ur decision to stay alone and not settle for less, one day is one day, ask me lol
FunLover on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 9:32 am
if things carry on like this in my rship, i’ll be single on valentines day, 1st time in 5 years…*sigh*
Alikho on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 10:16 am
This is written ME all over…the compliments I get over my beauty and good heart do not correlate with my love life. I’ve always known that I feared love…it was like being unfair to myself and emotions, and the fact that I always took off at the 1st sign of imperfection did not make it any better…so last year, when I tried again, my friends dared me to stay on – no matter what (as long it’s not a deal breaker)…And needless to say the idiot went MIA and much as I hurt, I’m more angry at myself for giving them my emotions when in my old standards they did not deserve it and now they feel like they have ‘left’ me…but at least I did not sacrifice my career because of that…SO here’s to another 28th year without a Valentino…but at least I can afford to go on weekend away with my other single friend #TeamCareerWoman…
Biskiti on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 10:19 am
Hello Miss Thang, i’m not too sure if yours was a rhetorical question or not, but both are horse-racing events, J&B Met is in Cape Town and the Durban July is held in (drummmmmm rolllll)…DURBAN, Correct!!!!
snapshot on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 10:54 am
@Biskiti kwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa tlitlitli!!!!!!!!!!!! ungenza ntoni na?????????/ im dead ngamahleko @Ms Thang yini ngawe, to think i just ignored ur question cos i’ve got beef nge JB Met
snapshot on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 11:03 am
@Alikho did you see that note that said “im happily single and quickly forgets the thought” i love you so i don’t want you to be another statistic of SWP “Single Women in Power” ur a nice person so i think and one day nana u will find ur match, incase i decide to turn lesbo we will hook up since nam im a very nice person ask @Manny lol i wonder uphi yena lo manny
Biskiti on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 11:43 am
Snapzozo, unjani Sisi? Hehehe, i just couldn’t resist phenduling uMs Thang, and btw, i wasn’t being nasty, instead i was trying to be funny…lol.
I missed this place and was glad to find it operational for a change. I can only wonder what Lelo is thinking.
Eish mina, i want to celebrate this valentines just as i celebrate Christmas every year. Last Valentine i went on a “group date” le my previous GF and her friend+partner. I think this year around it will be more sincere as the “newer” madam is more of a keeper than the one from last year.
I agree there’s an air of intimidation given off by aboMs Powerful/Independent. Guys want to be respected (i think even more than loved), No guy wants to be told around, do this do that. As guys we want to be appreciated and acknowledged for our efforts especially those regarding the relationship.
Indeed ku ruff, mara maybe one day some guy will meet Your standards. However, life taught me that sometimes one needs to lower their standards and gradually train their partners to that desired standards.
snapshot on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 12:00 pm
@Biskiti ngiyaphila bhuti, i missed seeing u ngo Dec, phela i know you met with you know who……….lol
Note “previous GF” “newer madam” i just couldn’t help noticing the change of words from GF to MADAM….wow big up to you, treat her like the lady she is.
hehehe “train ur partner ur desired standard UNLESS its the other way around, some guys have standards phela ungakhohlwa lol
lolington kwaaa on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 12:23 pm
You are such an honest write!!
Your notes are always so refreshing!
Sundani on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 2:06 pm
Nice read Ms Taboo.
I for one dont celebrate valentine
Men got intimidated by beautiful, independent and succesful women.
Bee_Mo on Thu, 26th Jan 2012 3:27 pm
I have never celebrated VDAY in my life, the one time I did I bought my mother a Rose in primary school and that was it. I remember in high school my boyfriend went AWOL and it was a saturday even and came back to me tuesday!! Lol cheapskate! So for it has always been just a day i have never had an urge to celebrate even with my previous partner, so I am single this year I will just sing love songs and hope that I will one day celebrate.
LadyM on Fri, 3rd Feb 2012 2:51 pm
Beautiful write-up @MsTaboo. I just love your articles.
Lol @Alikho. eish its tough. But hey, your prince will come at the right time. I dont celebrate V-day either. Hell, i’ve been single since forever. And i doubt I’ll celebrate it even when I’m in a relationship, it just sounds so cheesy. Why cant we show love everyday?
deathby @Biskiti’s answer to @MsThang. lmao!