Letter To The Minister Of Sport: Fikile Mbalula
Dear Ntate Fikile Mbalula
I really hope that this open letter finds you well and in good spirits to be able to digest it, without pressurizing my employers to fire me.
I don’t think you remember me; you meet a lot of people in your daily business of doing important sporty things. I was that out-place young man, who sat not far from you at the Louie Vega party, you know that one mos – when Vodacom moved from blue to red – but anyway, I think you had too much Veuve Champagne that night to remember an insignificant voter and tax-payer like myself, so I will just get to the point of this letter.
When growing up in the village, where TV was watched via a car powered battery, I used to watch Days of Our Lives, The Bold and The beautiful, Touched by an Angel and Soul Food. I was so in love with those stars, everyone on TV with the long flowing hair and chiselled muscles and perfect jaws took me to dreamland. I mean I even wrote a fan mail to Aishwarya Rai when she won Miss World. Pity she never responded, I only found out last year why – coz my evil aunt did post that letter but I grew up, and let go of those childish fantasies.
There was no way I was ever going to meet Jane Seymour or sleep at the Forrester mansion. They were just youthful fantasies of a h*rny young man. As an adult, I think unlike you, I was forced to let go of those dreams – because I don’t have access to state funds to waste on flying American stars into the country – just to fulfil my youthful fantasies.
I get it, while you were too busy fighting for freedom – you didn’t have much time to watch Vivica A. Fox on Set It Off, she did set a lot of men’s hearts racing in that movie.
Who knows, maybe you loved Brandy too much on Moesh and used to dance to The boy is mine song…
Maybe Regina King was the only reason you watched Poetic Justice on VHS but why on earth do you feel the need to invite them to the sports awards – what have they got to do with sports? And now we hear you want to bring the biggest female star of our time, Beyonce to the country! I have no beef against her, I think for whatever she is – she is a great artist. But Bra Razzmatazz, I am confused – what is she meant to do to the sports awards?
I will tell you how this looks from my side, it looks like you are someone who is still holding-on to celebrity crushes you had while still young and disadvantaged. Now that you are in a position of power, you are using that office to fulfil your childhood fantasies.
Let me be frank, how do you justify such exorbitant fees of bringing these stars to South Africa? While you can get Zahara for 95% less? You can say Brandy is your “sister”, truth be told – she was here coz you were paying her.
If you are bringing these stars to motivate the youth, who trust me – get very little motivation by watching Beyoncé’s perfect thighs gyrate in front of them! You are wrong dear Minister. This is a sports show, why not bring Usain Bolt or Rafael Nadal, the William sisters are even better – even though they are facing retirement.
The world is full of sports stars that are aligned with your department, unless you feel victim of JZ’s shuffling, and now you are heading the department of self-entertainment.
Ntate, I say this with the most humble of tones – go easy on bringing American stars just to indulge in your fantasies. You are wasting state funds, instead of sponsoring all these hardworking athletes that are battling to find sponsorship in this economic meltdown.
That’s all. And next time I see you, I will introduce myself in person.
By Phathu Makwarela